Bailey's Blog

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

I love this picture of Jasper and Basil snuggling for the first time. What I love even more...the rainbow reflected on the tile/cabinet...a sure sign that Bailey and Bocci are near. It's as if all four girls are together. :)

A Pet's Ten Commandments

2010-12-03T21:02:00.000-08:00

In honor of Bocci - can't believe it has already been 1 month. I miss you tons!

A Pet's Ten Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is probably going to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe Bocci has been gone almost three weeks and today marks 13 months for Bailey. Where does time go?

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I figured it's a good time to take note of the things I am thankful for (in no special order):

1. My caring husband and family - they put up with me after all!
2. Basil Baby
3. The presence of my folks - I feel blessed that they are 80 and still gracing this earth.
4. Minesweeper - love that game
5. My Blackberry - I am addicted
6. Desserts - need I say more? Yes, MORE desserts please!
7. My awesome friends
8. Snowmen - they always make me smile. Especially when I go into Home Depot and see the big, gigantic blow up Snowmen...now THAT makes me grin from ear to ear.
9. Our new home - I've had so much fun decorating and adding personal touches.
10. Pumpkin Spiced Lattes - YUM!

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Thank you

2010-11-08T08:33:00.001-08:00

Thank you for the many thoughtful notes on the loss of Bocci. We all lose loved ones and it's comforting to know that friends are near for support.

It seems unreal that two weeks ago Bocci was healthy (as far as I knew) and thriving well for a 13 year old. Now she is gone and the house isn't the same. I have been beating myself up thinking that maybe there was more I could have done. It's crossed my mind a million times that I may have given up on Bocci before she gave up on me. I wanted to find that one slice of time that was not a moment too soon or a moment too late to let her go.

Bocci's absence has taken a toll on Basil. Many have noticed that she is not as perky and social. I know she misses her big sister who was also a pseudo mom.

The vet called this morning and Bocci's ashes are ready to be picked up. While I dread making that drive, it will be nice to have her here next to Bailey.

Thank you again for all of the warm emails and notes. Here is a snapshot of Bocci from 10 days ago...standing beside the fridge begging for a treat. :)

Rest in Peace Sweet Bocci

2010-11-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

Our sweet Bocci Girl was laid to rest today at 2pm. This ordeal - albeit 10 days - has been pure torture. She was doing so good in the mind and maintained her daily routine of begging for treats with long naps in-between. Unfortunately, the mass was not cooperating and bleeding more each day.

I went back and forth all week on what to do...I kept thinking, "if I found her in pain, I would make the call." That would have been the easy (selfish) way out. Having been through this with Bailey, I didn't want Bocci to get to the point of severe pain and agony - yet, I wanted her to be with me for as long as possible. To think that your beloved animal's life is in your hands in not empowering...it is devastating. I asked God to give me a sign and early this afternoon, he did just that. I knew it was time and I put Bocci in the car. We stopped at McDonald's on the way to get her a Quarter Pounder and French Fries. She enjoyed every bite.

In the end, I wanted her to go with dignity and grace - just as she lived her life. The past few hours I have experienced the many stages of grief and now, I'm back at the first of denial. It just doesn't seem real. I keep thinking she is going to waltz into the bedroom and summon me to the kitchen for her late night snack.

Bocci was such a wonderful companion. She was loyal, patient, loving and funny. She blessed my life for 13 years and I already miss her terribly. She rarely asked for much (except treats) and happily lived in the shadows of Bailey and Basil. She seemed to find joy in their quirkiness and was content just being here. My heart just aches, someone please wake me from this horrible nightmare.

I love you so much, Bocci. I pray that you have found Bailey and that the two of you are running in the fields. Thank you for all the joy that you have brought to my life.

Update on Bocci

2010-10-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

Thankfully, Bocci is still with us and feeling good. We brought her home from the ER Vet on Tuesday and have been giving her tons of TLC. She has a large, open mass near her anus (hate that word) that is not pretty. The sore bleeds at times, but we're able to keep it minimized with cold packs and powder from Petsmart.

I took her back to the vet on Friday and was told that if we can manage the sore, Bocci could be with us for some time. Since the meds were making her sick, we stopped all but the Tramadol (2x per day). She has been fabulous ever since and getting back to her old self. Ultimately, we know the cancer is growing, but since she is not in pain and her quality of life has not changed, we are going to cherish the time we have left. Having been down this path with Bailey, we opted to forgo surgery, chemo, etc. If it gets to the point where she is suffering, we will make the dreaded call. Until then, she is getting all sorts of treats and loving every bite.

One side note, Basil has been so good! I was worried about her pouncing/picking on Bocci like she has for the past year, but Basil must have a 6th sense and knows to leave Bocci alone.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support!

Bocci - keep her in your prayers

2010-10-26T02:55:00.000-07:00

We learned last night that Bocci has an aggressive form of cancer - likely hemangiosarcoma. What is it with this cancer?? Why can't it leave my family alone??

She was bleeding from the rear so Joe took her to the vet hoping it was a simple diagnosis. Unfortunately, she has a large mass that has ruptured and a few others in the same area. The vet shared that when a mass of this size ruptures, the cancer has likely spread to major organs. They were able to get the bleeding to stop, so now it's a waiting game. The worst kind. The mass could rupture again tomorrow or we could get lucky and it could take weeks. Because of her age, we are opting not to do xrays and chemo. One of the hardest parts is knowing what steps to take and when - especially when her mind is great and her demeanor even better.

I just don't get it. Bocci has been doing so good....full of energy and even a bit sassy with demanding more and more treats.

I'm out of town for work and taking the first flight home this morning. If you have a beloved pet, give them an extra hug because you just don't know what tomorrow will bring.

One Year

2010-10-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't seem real - that a whole year has disappeared.

Why is it that the "firsts" always get to us? The first month, the first Christmas, the first birthday...the first anniversary. I suppose one way of coping is to mark the milestones and to morn a little deeper on those days so that the days in-between can be a bit easier.

We woke this morning and watched a ton of Bailey videos. I started with the most recent - about 2 days before she passed and worked myself backward to the videos before she fell ill. I wanted to end with happy thoughts and remember the world as it was when Bailey was full of life and healthy.

This afternoon, we hiked with Basil to Bailey's spot on the mountain near our house. It is here that I spent many moments going through the stages of grief. A few short hours after Bailey passed, I hiked up this mountain and found a special spot off the beaten track where I could come to escape. I placed a picture of us under a big rock to protect it from the weather and animals. Over the past year, Mother Nature and the animals have swiped little trinkets left for Bailey. Two things still remain, a cheesy butterfly glow stick and our picture ~ albeit a bit warn from the sun and rain. I cracked a smile today noticing that a sliver of Bailey's hair is still submerged in the frame.

It's amazing that a four-legged creature could capture our hearts like Bailey did. I miss her as much today as the day she left. I hope she knows how much she was and is loved.

XOXO Bailey ~ I love you.

Picture from our visit to Bailey's spot 10/23/10

Important Warning for Doggie Parents

2010-09-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

Month Eleven...where does time go....missing you Bailey girl - as much now as ever. I wish you were here. Damn you Cancer for taking her away.

Xylitol - A Silent Dog Killer
I wanted to share an important note about a sugar substitute that can be very deadly to dogs. I recently learned of this when a friend of a friend lost her German Shepherd from eating sugar free gum that contained Xylitol. Xylitol is found in many popular diet foods, pudding, muffins, gum and even toothpaste. From what I have read, it doesn't take much or a long period of time (as little as a few sticks of gum) for dogs to drop over. Here is a link to some additional information. If you have four legged pups around, be sure to keep this very deadly ingredient away.

www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-03-18-xylitol-sweetner-N.htm

Happy Birthday
On a lighter note, we had a fun birthday party for Basil and Bocci last week. I know...I can hear all of you now...a birthday party for a DOG??? Yep - two dogs in fact! With Bocci turning 13 and Basil hitting 1 we just had to celebrate. Helping the matter was some cool plates I found with a Golden wearing a birthday hat and cool shades.

Baileyism
I love that Bailey could not catch to save her life. I thought of it today when throwing Bocci a piece of popcorn. Of course, Bocci caught it mid air like a true pro, but not Bailey. She would have done this counterclockwise circle thing with her head and missed completely. Love her!

10 Months....

2010-08-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm in NYC for work....it's raining and in the low 70's - a nice break from the AZ heat. The past 10 months have gone by quickly - not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They say time heals all wounds...I disagree - who the heck is "they" anyway? I'm quite certain that my wounds will never go away.

On an upbeat note, I am thankful for the enjoyment I get from Bocci and Basil. Bocci amazes me - she will be 13 in a few weeks and is looking fabulous. She has become quite active the past month - likely because Basil keeps bugging her to play. As for Basil, she is a complete hoot. I love that she looks similar to Bailey, yet has so many different quirks. We had a bad storm hit before I left for NY. Basil was on the bed with me and could not get close enough. She does this thing where she puts her face right next to mine. Cracks me up. I often wonder how she and Bailey would have played together.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of Bailey - taken by my dear friend, Marnie, (who is an awesome photographer) :) Funny/sad story about this picture. We were just at the Vet with Basil the other day and I looked up to see this picture on the Vet's bulletin board. We sent it to the Vet when Bailey passed as a thank you. It's comforting to know that she is still "with" us where ever we go.

I miss you Bailey girl!!!

Trying Week...

2010-07-21T18:56:00.001-07:00

Bailey would have been 11 years old yesterday....Friday marks 9 months since she passed...and Sunday is the 1 year anniversary of her spleen erupting and learning of her cancer.

I watched a bunch of her videos last night which brought a mixture of tears and smiles. I miss her like crazy. I miss her soft fur, show times, the little white dot on her ear, her silly eyebrow movements....

I found a video that made me laugh so will call it a night with the vision of Bailey destroying her pink baby.

Month Eight

2010-06-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

I miss Bailey's quirks - she had so many funny, little habits that made me laugh every day.

Baileyism
Bailey had to be the center of attention - always. Here is a picture of her pouting (literally) because Bocci went with me for a drive while Bailey was stuck at home. Little did Bailey know, Bocci was going to the vet for a check up. I swear, Bailey wouldn't make eye contact with me for over an hour and only AFTER I tried sucking up with cuddles and treats. Miss you B - miss you every single day.

Another month

2010-05-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks 7. I had a "conversation" with Bailey last night. Told her I was sad as my memories are fading. It used to be that I could see her face when I closed my eyes - now the images are gone and I need to look at pictures or videos. Very sad.

I thank God for Bocci and Basil. Bocci is chugging along and doing fantastic. The ol' girl will be 13 in September, but is healthier now than years past thanks to her thyroid medicine. And Basil - she SO reminds me of Bailey. Similar mannerisms, similar facial structure. There are times I look at her and swear she is a light-colored Bailey.

A few days after Bailey's passing, I called one of those pet psychics. Yeah, I know - super cheesy. But I was hurting so bad and needed something to grab onto. The psychic, Barbara, was recommended by the cancer vet so I thought there may be some validity to her story. Here are my notes from the call - many in shorthand that likely only make sense to me, but I've highlighted a few that seem to stand out.

Very sick – in abdomen and discomfort between liver
Difficult breathing in the end - Pretty uncomfortable - Getting toxic
Would not of had that decision if we waited much longer
Thank you for letting her go – says that her body got sick
Will be back soon
Lifetime bond – wasn’t a dog – stronger than a guardian – maybe human before – her soul keeps coming back
Big change in two – not sure if that meant two months or two years
She won’t be gone long – look in puppy's eyes
It will be a walk in situation – souls can exchange from one to another while waiting to find their "home"
She doesn’t want to stay away long
Very goofy
She has been sick a while - Illness may have started over a year ago
She has a tennis ball in her mouth – pain is gone – legs near the end
She loves us both very much –
Remembers going for runs – walked in the forest
Talked about being part of the marriage ceremony
She liked water
She was pampered - Felt like royalty
Toys - Red with a tail/fuzzy
Before we took her to the vet – she heard you and understood – took it to heart – she will bring some part of her when she comes back that we will recognize
She understood every word – she could feel every feeling
She thinks we are brave
Many differences between her and Bocci – lying near her – she's trying to comfort Bocci
Something about having head on the pillow
She liked to pick on Bocci - teasing
Keep an eye on Bocci
May see her by the first year
Eyes

A good friend of mine, who will always be nameless, talks of her ability to communicate with beings that have passed and/or on their way to passing. I trust her completely as she is not a BS'er. At the same time, I don't know where I stand. Sometimes I believe in reincarnation, others times I think there is no way. My point - if ever there was a chance in reincarnation, then I would feel strongly that Bailey and Basil are one. If not the same soul, than "sisters" for sure as they remind me so much of one another. The red notes above from my reading somewhat "back up" the notion that Bailey could be laying at my feet right now - giving my ankle a bath...only this time, she is much lighter in color and her name is Basil. Who knows, maybe all of this babble is only to make myself feel better. Bailey and I were so close, that if she were permanently gone (as in an angel and not coming back), I would think I would feel her presence by now...

Would love to hear your thoughts - do you believe in angels, reincarnation or something else? In the meantime, raise a toast to Bailey. Wherever she may be...she will always be my girl.

Six months

2010-04-23T09:26:00.001-07:00

Just doesn't seem real....

I'm starting to look at urns for Bailey's ashes - so many to choose from. Several sites also provide jewelry where bits of ash can be stored inside via a tiny funnel. Decisions, decisions.

Story time
A strange thing happened on Tuesday. I took Basil for a hike up Bailey's favorite trail where I have her memorial perched by a big rock overlooking the valley. Bailey's "spot" is a bit off the trail and hidden from the typical hiker. Since it's rattlesnake season, I decided to wave Bailey's memorial hello versus going off trail in fear I would run into one of the slippery creatures. Just as we passed Bailey's spot, Basil stopped dead in her tracks and began smelling a big rock that was partially buried in the middle of the trail. Her tail instantly went between her legs and she started to shake. She looked a me with sheer fright and came running my direction....there was no way she was going past that rock. Important note - Basil typically has no fright - she is a tough cookie and very protective.My gut tells me that a rattle snake was likely sunning on the rock earlier in the day and that Basil picked up the scent. She did go through one session of snake training a few weeks ago and has a follow up session tomorrow. While her reaction could have easily been from what she learned a few weeks ago, my "physical" response was incredibly odd. When this all happened, my entire body filled with goosebumps - face, arms, legs...I was covered. I just had this "sense" that there was more to it - that Bailey was there and warning us not to go forward. Perhaps it is a coincidence, but my gut tells me Bailey was there....

Picture of Basil on the hike - love the yellow flowers!

Picture of thirsty Bailey after hiking the same trail:

A Picture Says 1000 Words

2010-04-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

As silly as this may sound, I'm not sure whether to cry or smile at the below picture. It was snapped today in my office...I turned to find Basil snuggled up on Bailey's bed which has been laying empty for 4 months and 15 days.

Basil and I are off for a hike now - we'll be sure to stop by Bailey's memorial to say hello....if only she were here to hike with us.

Survey says....

2010-03-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

I found the below on Pawnation - interesting stuff:

89 percent say their pooches are more excited to greet them when they come home than their significant others
89 percent believe there have been moments when their dogs tried to comfort them in times of need
74 percent think their dog's body language or facial expressions let them know how their pet is feeling
72 percent prefer to blow off steam by taking a walk with their dogs than with a close companion
70 percent believe they have "shared a look" with their dogs on at least one occasion
69 percent believe their pooches know when they are feeling happy
67 percent believe their pups sense anger
67 percent confess that when they travel, they're more likely to feel guilty about leaving their dogs behind than family and friends
62 percent believe that their dogs are more dependable than their human best friends
58 percent think their dogs know when they're sad
41 percent say that their furry friend is more likely to "notice" they've had a bad day than their best human friend
34 percent report that at least once, they've had an entire "conversation" with their dogs without saying a word
9 percent say they know exactly what their pooch is thinking

Five Months

2010-03-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Time is flying by like crazy. It seems like just yesterday we took the long drive to Wilcox with Bailey to pick out Basil. I'm thankful the two of them had a chance to meet - especially since they come from the same gene pool. Bailey's sister from a younger litter is Basil's mom.

Basil is absolutely huge - she turned 6 months last week and already weighs 48 pounds. She stands taller than Bocci and has the paws of a bear. Knocking on wood as I type this, but Basil is a really good pup. She minds well and has only destroyed one minor thing - a computer mouse. She is a complete watch dog which is far different from Bocci and Bailey who rarely let out a bark. I keep calling Basil my "Tom-Dog" - last week she alerted us to a mouse in the house and over the weekend, she found a rattle snake in the back yard. (hmmmm - maybe I need to rethink this house)

I have to admit, I had a really, really hard time when we first brought Basil home. The passing of Bailey was so fresh and emotionally I wasn't ready to start loving another pup. Had we not planned on Basil long before Bailey got sick, I would have waited longer to pick out another pup. With Basil being from the same family as Bailey, it seemed like the right thing to do and now I wouldn't have it any other way. Every once in awhile, Basil will do certain things that remind us of Bailey. Last night, she was doing "showtime" on the bed - growl included.

I miss my Bailey girl like crazy and pray I will get the chance to be with her again some day.

Here is a picture from the day that Bailey and Basil met.

Four Months

2010-02-23T19:16:00.001-08:00

It's hard to believe it's been 4 months. I miss my sweet Bailey girl as much today as I did the moment we said goodbye. I saw rainbows on both Saturday and Sunday and I tell myself that it's Bailey's way of saying hello.

I often wonder what Bocci thinks....does she remember Bailey? Does she (or any pup for that matter) have the ability to miss someone or something after several months? I suppose we'll never know for sure, but I'd like to think that Bocci has fond memories of her sister.

A note on Bocci - I am so excited about her health. It wasn't long ago that we thought we were going to lose her. Along with other issues, she had a Pancreatitis and went almost two weeks without eating a thing. She has been on thyroid medicine for three months and has lost several pounds. Her coat is soft again and her energy level has increased greatly - you would never know she is a 12 1/2 year old pup.

Here is a picture of the girls playing together back in 2007.

I miss you Bailey - I miss everything about you.

Bitter Sweet Move

2010-02-11T07:13:00.001-08:00

The past few weeks have been bitter sweet for me. We finally finished our new home - a three year project since the time we purchased the land. We've got most of the boxes unpacked and are settling into our routine - but something is missing. Bailey should be here - running through the house, jumping in the pool and rolling in the grass. She was such a big part of the construction and was here with me almost daily as the house was going up. She would love it - the views are amazing and there are loads of hiking trails right outside our door. The neighbors have two friendly dogs and I know Bailey and Lexy would hit it off immediately.

I suppose I'm extra sad as I had a dream about Bailey last night - the first in a long, long time. I wish it was the kind of dream where you wake up and wonder, "was that real" - but it wasn't. I woke with an empty feeling as I was trying to protect her from falling off a ledge.

Moving from the rental was also an odd feeling - at least there, I could sit next to Bailey's favorite spots and feel a bit close to her.

Here is a picture of Bailey at the new house - it was her last visit - I'm so glad she had a beautiful sunset to enjoy.

Three Months

2010-01-23T05:34:00.001-08:00

Today marks three months, yet it seems like a million years. I miss my beautiful Bailey Girl - I miss her smile, I miss her fur, I miss her silliness, I miss everything about her.

Wishes

We wish we could have told you,
in words you'd understand,
We wanted you to stay with us.
This wasn't what we'd planned.

We wish somehow to tell you,
How empty we now feel.
A part of us went with you,
A part that time can't heal.

We wish we'd once more hear you,
in your softly, rumbling purr,
to hold you on our laps again
and stroke your golden fur.

We wish we had you back again,
to fill this empty space.
But one day we'll be together
in a far, far better place.

Author - Unknown

Photo - Crescendo Photography

Farewell to 2009

2009-12-31T14:41:00.001-08:00

Never in a million years did I think that 2009 would be the last time I snuggled Bailey - so tonight is a little bitter sweet.

Baileyism
2005 marked the first NYE that Joe and I were together. We had been dating for 3 1/2 months and opted to stay in for the night, hang with Bocci and Bailey and enjoy a three course fondue meal. We found an awesome bread and placed it on a platter in the family room in preparation for our first course of cheese fondue. Oddly - the bread disappeared. It took us a while to figure it out...thinking...did we put the bread someplace else as there is no way Bocci or Bailey would eat it - they never steal food??? Bocci is outside and Bailey is in the formal room...licking her chops! WHAT! For whatever reason, Bailey felt the bread was hers and she ate the entire loaf. She then became a carbo queen and would go crazy at the smell of fresh baked bread. Such a funny girl!

Here is a picture of my favorite snuggle bug.

Two months

2009-12-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

My heart is heavy today and I'm missing my sweet Bailey girl.

Joe and I talked last night about loving animals - they bring amazing amounts of joy to the world and capture the hearts of many. The unfortunate exchange is having to say goodbye much sooner than desired. Sigh....

Baileyism
Dog's have a fascinating internal time clock. I remember my childhood dog, Susie, would wander to the front yard at 3:00 and wait for me to come home from school. Bailey was very much the same as she would wait patiently by the back door for Joe to come home from work. She sure did love her dad! Here is a picture of both Bocci and Bailey stalking the door around 5:30pm in hopes to see their dad.

Mental Block

2009-12-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was talking with the new vet yesterday at Banfield where Basil was getting a routine vaccination. We got on the subject of Bailey (her picture is hanging in the exam room) and the vet asked what type of cancer she had....my mind went totally blank. I could not think of the type of cancer to save my life. It wasn't until she listed several types and said Hemangiosarcoma that it hit me. So odd - I lived the nightmare of Hemangio for several months and now that Bailey is gone, I've completely blocked it out of my mind. Even writing this note...I went blank trying to recall the name. I suppose it is my mind trying to heal.

Baileyism
No one will deny - Arizona is beyond hot in the summer. A few years back, I decided to have Bocci and Bailey shaved in hopes to help them keep cool. Five years later, and I cannot stop laughing at these pictures. Bailey doesn't look too bad, but Bocci - OMG. The best part, they were both incredibly shy (almost embarrassed) by their new haircut. That was the first and last time they received a shave job.

Showtime

2009-12-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

Bocci is such a good girl. She is so laid back an easy going - especially when it comes to Bailey and Basil who both need(ed) the spotlight. Bocci has been a Saint with Basil and her crazy puppy habits. While Basil is biting at Bocci to play, Bocci softly turns away and goes about her own business. I wish I had her level of patience!

Baileyism
Bailey was an entertainer and was constantly putting on "Showtimes" to keep us laughing. Here is a brief production. The best part, she would always make sure there was an audience and often did an encore performance.

Coming Home

2009-12-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

I wish I could say the gloom has gone away. I have not "felt" Bailey's presence for several weeks so now wonder if it was really her or just wishful thinking. I was sharing with a close friend yesterday that the thing I miss most is being Bailey's BFF. Perfect example, we just returned home from being gone for several hours. Bocci and Basil were desperately waiting for us by the door, but primarily because it was dinner time. They both ran in the house, past me, and toward the kitchen. I've been home for quite a while now and neither have come looking for me. If Bailey were here, she would have skipped dinner just to be with me. She would be sitting right here on the bed next to me. I know that sounds silly (and likely pitiful) to many, but think of it as the warmth you feel when you're in a room with someone and know that you're the most important thing to them.

Baileyism
This picture speaks to my message above. Bailey and I were each others favorite thing. Here she is snuggled next to me in bed as I surfed the Internet. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, I'd give anything to have Bailey here with me.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

As expected, today was a tough day without Bailey. I found a bit of relief in hiking to her special spot on Las Sendas mountain. While there, I decided to write about 10 things I am thankful for this year.

1. The 10 amazing years that Bailey and I had together.
2. My family and the closeness we share. I'm especially grateful for the health of my parents who are both approaching 80. I'm fortunate to be able to spend several months with them while they winter here in Arizona.
3. Werbee (aka Joe)- he is one of the kindest people I know and obviously patient as he puts up with me!
4. Bocci and Basil - they warm my heart every day.
5. My fantastic friends - I would not have made it thru the past several months without their support and encouragement.
6. Two month countdown- our home is finally nearly completion and we're very excited to be moving in the end of January.
7. Dessert - life would be so boring without my cakey sweets.
8. My career - I love the hospitality industry and work for a fabulous company.
9. My Blackberry - enough said!
10. I am most thankful for the gift of 90 days to show Bailey every ounce of love that she deserved. Most would not be so lucky and would have lost their beloved pet on the table, but we were given 3 months to celebrate her life.

Okay - like everyone, I overdosed on food and feel a crash coming. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

One Month Today

2009-11-23T07:29:00.000-08:00

I wanted to acknowledge today then call, "tally-wacker" as I just can't talk about it.

Time

2009-11-20T17:27:00.000-08:00

I can't believe its been 4 weeks. It feels like forever since I had Bailey by my side - at the same time, it doesn't seem real. I keep hoping that I'm having a nightmare and will soon wake to have everything be okay. Bailey brought an incredible amount of joy to my life and I hope she knows how much she is missed.

We received a card from the Oncologist this week with the Rainbow Bridge Poem and another saying I have never heard, but now hold near and dear.

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives
Even more temporary than our own,
Live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.

Unable to accept its awful gaps,
We still would live no other way.

We cherish memories as the only certain immortality,
Never fully understanding the necessary plan...."

~Irving Townsend

My girlfriend, Marnie, with Crescendo Photography took this picture 5 weeks ago today. It's hard to believe that Bailey passed just one week later - she looks so pretty.

Some Scars Are Good

2009-11-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

Here I am again - my typing outlet - a place I can go and be sad, vent and ramble about how empty I feel.

I went to Bailey's special spot on Las Sendas mountain today. The weather was perfect - just as Bailey would like. In typical style, the tears flow as I'm climbing to our spot, but once there...once I round the tree and see Bailey's picture under the big rock awning, a feeling of peace sets in.

Today, I wrote in my sacred journal - the one where I talk directly with Bailey and tell her everything that is on my mind. It helps - if only for a moment, to pretend that she is sitting there with me...looking over the rooftops and to the horizon. I wonder how she is doing? I still struggle with wrapping my arms around her locale. Is she here with me now - sitting on the bed as we did every night for 10 years or has she merely turned to ash and simply in a white box on my mantle? Speaking of that, I have not been able to order a special urn for Bailey - truth be known, I avoid most any conversation about her right now - it just hurts too much.

One story of inspiration...an old friend sent me a note (you know who you are - it's our secret) explaining that she never "got" the whole dog thing and how someone could love, or for that matter, be heartbroken to loose a pup. Long story short, she met a dog that opened her heart to the unconditional and unique bond between canines and their humans. She explained that she now understands how one could love a dog so deeply. Her email helped to brighten my gloomy day - thanks Blue!

Baileyism
Like most goldens, Bailey loved the outdoors and she managed to talk us into going to Payson for a hike this past June. The trip was long before we knew she was sick, so our time was spent worry-free as we watched Bailey swim in the creek and hike along the trail. I imagine her hike was twice as long as ours as every 5 minutes she would run up ahead then hurry back to make sure we were on our way. BTW - while on this hike, I got a bad gash on my knee (note to self - do not attempt to answer Blackberry emails while climbing over huge logs). I later posted a note on FB asking for input on how to keep from getting a scar as the last thing I wanted was another battle wound. Well, the scar is still on my knee and ironically, it is my favorite scar as it reminds me of happy times with Bailey. Here is a picture and quick video from our trip.

A Nice Surprise

2009-11-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm - I've been staring at this blank page for awhile and not sure how to begin. How about this...never mind, I deleted everything I just typed about my stage of depression...blah.

My folks were up this past weekend to spend time with us and the new puppy. Truth be known, I think it was about Basil, not us! Nevertheless, we woke early Saturday morning to take my dad shopping at his favorite spot - the neighborhood garage sale. It was about 7:15am when we pulled out of the driveway and up above...looking absolutely amazing, was a huge rainbow. I stopped the car and got out to stare. Ironically, the rainbow was positioned as if it was coming right out of the mountain that Bailey and I hiked several times a week. Rainbows are rare in AZ - especially in the morning and even more so, coming directly from one of Bailey's favorite spots. The rainbow lasted at least 25 minutes which is also rare. At times, we could even see a double rainbow!

I've been having major trouble lately with bouts of overwhelming sadness, yet the rainbow actual made me smile. What a good feeling.

Secret Sign

2009-11-11T14:57:00.000-08:00

I’m just returning from a trip to NYC for work. It was great to see industry friends and catch up on old times. I was hoping my sadness of Bailey’s passing would not be obvious – that I would be able to put on a happy face and respond to the common question, “how are things” without tearing up. I succeeded with those who I know on a casual basis, but failed with those who know me well. While I wasn’t able to talk about Bailey, I’m sure they knew something was wrong.

I’m in the midst of reading a book by Allison DuBois called, ‘We are their Heaven.’ I’ve always carried a lot of respect for Allison as she seems to be the real thing. Like many, I have thrown money at Psychics/Mediums in the past – primarily for questions about where my life was heading. A few were right on the money with specifics that made me believe. Others, including a “pet communicator” from Ohio who I spoke with two weeks ago, seem to be complete scammers.

A few things have happened since Bailey’s passing that could be interpreted as signs of her visiting me. I’ve gone back and forth on whether they are real or just my imagination…I worry that my overwhelming sadness or my desperate need to feel her presence could be playing tricks on me. I asked (actually begged) Bailey in her last days to be sure and give me signs after she was gone – to show me in some way that she was with me. I asked her to steal ‘mama’s baby’ (a small, stuffed dog I received from Joe a few years ago) and hide it under the bed – just like she used to do. I gave her several ideas that were special between the two of us so I would REALLY know she was around. I have not seen any of my suggested signs, but have one other in particular that sticks out.

The 24 hours leading up to Bailey’s passing are far too painful for me to discuss. But one thing happened after she was laid to rest that is important to associate with my first possible sign. In the moments following Bailey’s passing, I put my face on her neck to hug her and feel her soft fur. Oddly, her neck area was extremely warm – almost hot to the touch and something I have never experienced before. I recall telling Joe that I felt heat radiating off of her – as if a heating pad had been placed on her neck. I found peace in that feeling of heat, but thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I was heading up our old hiking trail to find Bailey’s special spot. Many will find this odd – and that is ok – but I carried Slimy Baby with me on that hike and every trek since. About half way up the mountain, I felt a strong, radiating heat from my right side where I was carrying Slimy Baby. At first, I chalked it up to the stuffed animal being next to my shirt. The heat sensation lasted for about a minute. Later, it occurred to me that the radiating heat went away almost as quickly as it appeared. Had the heat come from Slimy Baby as I first thought, then wouldn’t it have stayed the remainder of the hike (about 20 more minutes)? Why did it come and go so quickly? Keeping in mind that I was likely still in shock, I don’t think I was “looking” for signs yet. I may never know if that was Bailey or a pure coincidence, but I sure hope it was her. I’ve had a few other possible signs that I will keep private for now, hoping to get confirmation at some point that Bailey was/is with me. When I do, I’ll be sure to share.

Many years ago, my Mom and I came up with a secret word – so that if one of us passed, we could speak with a Medium and know that the other was there. Joe and I also have a secret word and I’d suggest to others to do the same…just in case there is a way to send through special messages from beyond.

Baileyism
Bailey liked to tease me as much as I did her. One of her games was to steal my stuffed animal which we referred to as "mama's baby." Her method was hilarious as she would slowly take the baby off the shelf and tiptoe into the bedroom to hide the stuffed toy. As part of our routine, I would then chase her and say, "that's mama's baby - you give that back!". If I was slow to react, she would prance with mama's baby through the house and run back into the bedroom...as if to say,"look what I have!!" I'd also catch her peering over the bed with my baby in her mouth - just waiting for me to come tickle her. I miss those games.

Bad Day

2009-11-06T06:34:00.001-08:00

It's been two weeks today and I woke this am feeling incredibly empty. I think whats bothering me most is the time line and the memories....I feel like it has been months since I was able to hold my sweet Bailey. I feel like the memories are fading - as if I can't remember what she looked like or smelled like. I don't know if this is part of the grief and a way of protecting myself from the pain....but it just seems like so, so long ago.

I'm also finding it harder to talk about Bailey, her cancer and especially her last two days. I'm hoping these feelings will pass.

Baileyism
Bailey liked to tease Bocci, but it was never the other way around. This picture was from earlier this year - long before Bailey got sick. As if the day (alone) running errands with me and a special bone was not enough...she was determined to rub in in Bocci's face when entering the house...

Faith

2009-11-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

I contemplated writing about faith last week, but knew I was in an ugly place so the message would come out distorted. I was raised Catholic and my folks are very religious - especially mom who goes to mass throughout the week and/or watches it on TV. Without getting into a deep conversation, I'll just leave it that I have spent the majority of my life believing in God, Heaven and Angels. I also believed in Spirits coming to visit, but have been torn about reincarnation.

Since Bailey's passing, my beliefs have been challenged to the max - especially last week. I recall driving home from somewhere and screaming at the top of my lungs that I did not believe in anything - not God - not Heaven - nothing. I'm pretty sure I was throwing a tantrum and was hoarse for several hours following. I was in the frame of mind that once you died your body was extinguished and that was it - nothing more. I was definitely in the "anger" stage and was not sure if I would ever come out.

Thanks to a special friend (you know who you are), I was able to calm down and look at things a bit different. This person explained that God was hurt and upset along with me and that it was 'nature' that took Bailey from me - not God. We also talked about the ability for spirits (humans and animals) to visit after they have passed. I'm thankful that I found peace in that conversation and have since been far more calm about Bailey's passing (still can't say the "D" word). I am beyond hurt, sad and miss her every second - but the anger has decreased and my focus has switched to hoping that I see my beautiful Bailey again.

Baileyism
Bailey hated it when I would stand with my arms crossed or my hands on my hips. I suppose she knew that meant trouble. Often, she would bark at me until I'd release the pose and yes, just as many times, I would stand with my arms folded purely to get a rise out of her. She was so much fun to tease! This picture was taken when Bailey was a pup - likely less than a year old. Based on her feet and mouth being covered in mud, I bet the "pose" came out followed by a bark or two.

Sweet Baby Basil

2009-11-02T20:27:00.001-08:00

We brought Basil home on Thursday and have enjoyed her every moment. She is best described as sassy, confident and smart. One of my favorite things...her breathing when she is playing - it is short, soft (yet loud), breaths...so cute. I also love how she snuggles up to Bocci - they have bonded quickly and Bocci is SOOO patient...she deserves a Saint award.

We gave Basil her first bath today - she still has the puppy breath which is just fine with me. Here are some pics and video from our first few days together.

Bocci and Basil meet for the first time....the end is the best part:

Basil's house warming gift:

Bocci and Basil in a snuggle:

P.S. I love you Bailey!

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! I can't believe how fast this year has gone by - Christmas will be here before we know it. Today is another Tally-wacker day. BTW - I did not realize what Tally-wacker meant until a dear friend pointed it out...whoops! I'm still keeping it as my safe word!

Here are a couple of fun pictures. The first is of Bocci and Bailey a year ago today. The next is of our new baby, Basil, snuggled up to Bocci. Basil has been a true joy and has kept us busy. I'll write more about her later as we're off to the granite place to pick out slabs for the new house.

One Week Today

2009-10-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

This past week has been the worst seven days of my life. I don't really know how to explain the heartache, the emptiness. Bailey was so much of my day - so much of my life.

Joe phoned Wednesday morning and said, "VCA called, Bailey is ready to come home." For several seconds I thought she was still alive - that I had been in a nightmare for several days and she was okay. Then reality set in and I broke down. I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that just yet. The thought that my baby is condensed to a box is agonizing. I couldn't bring myself to go with Joe to pick up her ashes so he went alone. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. When Joe arrived home and set the box in my hands, I felt numb. I didn't know if I should be happy to be holding her or in pieces because the reality was right there on the box - "This holds the cremated remains of Bailey Werba. Date of Cremation: October 23, 2009."

I'd rather move on - I thought writing about it would help, but it doesn't this time. So "Tally-wacker"...that is my safe word. It's the word I use when starting a conversation with friends...it means I want to talk about everything, but Bailey. It means my heart is hurting and I can't say the words or talk about my girl. I'm not sure why I picked the word Tally-wacker, perhaps because it is one of those funny words to say like lollipop, freckle and wiener.

I need to Tally-wacker for the rest of this post. It's cold in AZ this week - good timing with Halloween around the corner...reminds me of fall back in the Midwest.

Bocci Girl

2009-10-29T18:58:00.001-07:00

We are so lucky to have our Bocci girl. She is sweet, laid back and low maintenance - except for when it comes to food - our Bocci likes to eat!

I noticed Bocci first looking for Bailey the night of her passing. Bocci seemed a bit nervous and went from room to room looking for her sister. Bocci and Bailey were never super close, but it was obvious that they loved one another. One of my favorite things was when they would lick each other on the top of the head - so sweet.

I also noticed Bocci looking for Bailey on Sunday when I returned from a hike to Bailey's special spot. I walked in the door and Bocci looked up at me - she immediately looked down (doggie level) and stared into the garage...I know she was waiting for Bailey to walk in. It broke my heart. I knelt down and told Bocci that her sister was not coming home. Deep down, I think she understood.

The three of us are adjusting to the emptiness we feel without Bailey.

Here is a picture of Bocci and Bailey from 2007 - Bailey is on the left and Bocci on the right.

Humans in Furry Clothes

2009-10-28T06:04:00.001-07:00

Fair warning, this is not going to be a pretty or a positive post. It's early morning and what used to be my favorite time of day is now ugly and dark. If you've ever had an incredibly unique and undefinable bond with a fur baby, you may understand the stage of grief I am experiencing right now. If you happen to not be an animal person or look at them as just that - animals - then you may want to skip over this entry.

We've thought about having human kids several times, but it's just never happened. I hope some day it does so I can feel the joy of a child's love. Even if we are so lucky, Bocci, Bailey, Basil and any other puppy that comes into our life will always be thought of as our children. Perhaps it is the way I was raised with my sweet black lab, Susie Q. I remember throwing her birthday parties with several old friends from Facebook. We all treated Susie like she was a little sister. Gosh I miss her.

In our house and in my mind - dogs are equal to humans. Perhaps it's the unconditional love we receive - the non-judgmental, 'I'm always gonna love you' outlook of a pup. I've talked with people who feel that it's not normal to love an animal that much - and that's ok - we are all entitled to our own opinions....I just feel sorry for them as they are missing out on one of the greatest things in life.

I don't know where I'm going with this - I guess I'm rambling. I miss everything about Bailey and have enough marbles left to realize the roller coaster of emotions is me dealing with the loss of my baby girl. One minute I'm ok - the next I'm super sad - then angry - then I'm in tears on the floor. I've started reading a book that will hopefully help.

Oddly, I feel a bit better than when I started this post...this blog really does help. Thanks to anyone who makes it through my crazy, rambling thoughts.

Ok - so I'm going to try and end on a positive note. Tomorrow we bring home sweet Basil - ha, I like that, 'Sweet Basil'. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and holding her tight. She, nor anything else, will ever replace my Bailey - it's just not possible. But, I'm going to love that little Basil and give her a wonderful life. I hope she is ready to be spoiled rotten.

Baileyism
Bailey was never shy about hiding her emotions. If she was excited, you could hear it - if she was sad, you could see it...I guess she takes after me in that way. This video was taken last week - less than 3 days before she passed. She had some much life left to live - so much love left to give. I miss you Bailey.

Our Special Place

2009-10-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

The hours following Bailey's passing are a blur. Looking back, I realize I was in shock when we left the Emergency Clinic. Nothing seemed real - it's as if I did not believe she was gone and I was convinced I would see her again later in the day. I remember feeling fine and thinking about what we were going to do for the day. Would we go shopping or look at houses - my thoughts were that of a typical Saturday. In fact, I'm not really sure when it finally "hit" me that Bailey was gone.

Once we got home, I went into extreme focus mode and gathered a few items. I packed two candles, two pictures of Bailey and I (each with a few hairs from her tail), matches, slimy baby and water - then quickly left the house. My first stop was our new home site. I sat in the doorway of our family room where Bailey and I often hung out watching the sunset. I lit the candle and setup her photo - slimy baby was close. Perhaps that is where I first realized that she was gone as I remember being angry at God for taking her from me. My mom and I battle about those feelings - she says I should never be mad at God. I say, my feelings are my feelings and I can't control that line of thinking. I was, and still am, very, very angry. I perched our picture and the candle in a safe spot by the pool - looking out the direction we stared just a week prior.

My second stop was Las Sendas Mountain where Bailey and I used to hike. I went about 1/2 way up the mountain and found a private spot with a great view of the valley. This will be my special place to connect with Bailey. A place that I can bring her gifts, write to her and tell her stories. Our picture and candle are secure under a big overhanging rock - as if it was made to house Bailey's mementos. I went back to our spot on Sunday and spent a few hours. I find peace there and enjoy bringing her gifts. I hung a dream catcher by the rock...I used to wake Bailey when she was having nightmares and tell her it was ok - now the dream catcher will take over.

The emptiness I feel is immense - I still can't believe that my baby is gone.

A view from Bailey's spot:

A Lifetime Wish

2009-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

Bailey - you've only been gone 75 hours and 25 minutes, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I want so much to hold you tight and see your beautiful smile.

To My Bailey Girl:
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday with you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I've tried.
Neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too
But I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
Author - Unknown

Our special friend, Mareike, has this same poem dedicated to her beloved Sparky who passed two months ago. Please give Sparky a hug for me.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you....it was taken several months before you got sick....in typical Bailey style, you were craving attention and likely trying to talk me into taking you for a walk.

I hope you are safe and I hope you know how much you are loved. I feel bad that I'm not there to take care of you. I'd give anything to have you back with me. I miss you so much.

One More Sunset

2009-10-24T17:57:00.001-07:00

I took this picture from the new house on the night of Bailey's passing. It was such a beautiful day and this picture does not do the sunset justice. I hope she was able to see if from her resting place.

What to say?

2009-10-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I should be writing. A million thoughts are racing through my mind and I'm having a really tough time keeping it together. I hope writing here will help. I also wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of notes, phone calls and gestures. Each one helps take a bit of the sting away. Although I don't have the strength to respond to you right now, please know that I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. I'm not going to hide it, they are much needed - so don't give up on me. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be amazingly hard, but the reality and the finality of it has brought me to my knees.

Bailey - I love you so much. I miss you so much. I know that mornings are going to be the hardest. Mornings were extra special to us. I'd wake and come to the family room to do some work...about 4 to 5 minutes would go by and you would realize I left the bedroom. You'd then do a sleepy prance down the hall - looking at me, wagging your tail and holding a big smile. I would say, "Good morning cutie, cute pea" or "Hi, sugar-pie plum" and you would come to me and put your head on my lap for some love and attention. You would then lay at my feet or jump up on the couch beside me. It was our time - no one in the house was awake....just you and me. I keep looking down the hallway for you to come, but you are not there. I miss our morning conversation. I'd tell you what we were going to do for the day and you would look at me with those big, brown beautiful eyes. I swear it was a two-way conversation.

I want you back - I need you back. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm mad, I'm confused - but most of all, I'm empty.

A note to friends and followers of Bailey's Blog:
I want to apologize in advance as I'm certain many of my future posts will be rambling thoughts. This blog is an outlet for me - a place where I can go and be close to Bailey, remember her, talk to her, and carry on her existence. I will get back to the Baileyisms and the photos - there are so many more to share. I just don't have the strength right now.

Rest in Peace our Beautiful Puppy

2009-10-23T06:13:00.000-07:00

Our sweet Bailey girl was laid to rest this morning at 5:15am. She put up a terrific fight the past three months and now she is peacefully waiting for us to join her.

I just can't believe that she is gone. She is my best friend, my SoulDog. I cherish the ten amazing years that she gave me and her presence will always be part of me.

I love you Bailey girl.

Loving Life

2009-10-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

Bailey has had two fabulous days! She seems super happy and although not to the level of two weeks ago, she has a decent amount of energy. We've enjoyed a few walks and hanging in the back yard with the cooler weather.

The one odd thing is her appetite. She has become very finicky where one day she loves her food and the next she is spitting it out.

For now, we are holding off on the oral chemo. I left a message for the oncologist today as she just returned from a Canine Cancer workshop. Perhaps she learned of something to help Bailey - could we be so lucky?? In the meantime, her meds include the Yunnan, K9 Immunity and tons of TLC from Joe and I.

Baileyism
Once in awhile, Bailey makes weird smacking noises with her lips...and I love it. Joe pegged it perfectly - if anyone else made those sounds I would be crawling on the ceiling...but since it's Bailey, I find it cute. So true!

I found this video from a few weeks ago. Miss Bailey was having a fit because she wanted to go on a walk while Bocci was reminding me that breakfast was way overdue.

Bitter Sweet Day

2009-10-18T07:27:00.001-07:00

We took a drive to Wilcoxx (4 hrs south of Phoenix) yesterday to see Bailey's breeder and meet her sister, Twilight. Twilight is about 3 years younger than Bailey and shares the same mom. She had a litter of four puppies 4 weeks ago - 3 females and one male. The breeder is keeping the darkest female and since Joe and I are looking for a girl pup, we had two to choose from. What a challenge!! They were both so very cute and seemed to have similar personalities. The red collared puppy liked to snuggle and crawled on my lap twice for a nap. She also rested her head (just as Bailey does) on my arm. The black collared pup was fun to watch - especially when she did a tuck and roll down the hill. After nearly 2 hours, we decided to take the collars off and the breeder marked the inside ear (red on one - black on the other) to know who was who. We played a bit then set them side by side for a race to see who would come to us first. The pup with the black dot in her ear came running so she is now our little Basil. What an ordeal! I wanted them both, but Joe shot me down. :(

This comes to both of us as a very bitter sweet day. Our hearts are breaking for Bailey knowing that she has such limited time left. We would give anything to keep her with us and as much as others would be opposed, I would pay a boatload to have her cloned. No dog, no person, no one thing will ever be able to replace Bailey's place in my heart. I will certainly love Basil and any other animal that enters my life, but it will never be the same.

I have to admit, I've had a lot of guilt lately as I know Bocci is not getting much attention. The thing with Bocci, though, is she does not crave attention like Bailey. The most important thing to Bocci is food - and while we laugh and lovingly call her "slim" - it truly is all she thinks about. During the day, Bocci is outside or tucked in a corner and doesn't interact a ton...unless she hears someone in the kitchen. Bailey, on the other hand, is by my side 100% of the time. If I move to the laundry room to change a load...there she is...Perhaps that is why I love her so much - we are each other's favorite thing. :)

Baileyism
While some will argue otherwise, I think dogs have a fantastic memory. Bailey knows the way to the house we are building, grandma's place, the park, etc. Whenever we get close to any of her favorite hangouts, she gets this incredibly high-pitched whimper. Cracks me up every time.

Here is a picture of Bailey and her new little sister, Basil.

Update on Bailey

2009-10-15T07:07:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the outpouring of support over the past few days. Much needed and appreciated! I had a day trip to Colorado Springs for work yesterday so my wonderful sister came to the house to be with the girls. Thank you Sissy! While I'm sure they would have been fine, the peace of mind meant the world to me.

Overall, Bailey seems to be feeling good. She was prancing around the yard this morning and I can tell she wants to go for a w-a-l-k (note - I'm spelling out that 'word' as I read her every blog post and she'll go crazy if she thinks it's leash time). Thank God she has a good demeanor - It seems like I check her gum color and abdomen every 10 minutes.

I talked with the vet yesterday as I'm really torn about the oral chemo. We have not started it yet - and I'm not sure that we will. Oddly, Joe and I have uncharacteristic views about the treatment. He feels we should do the chemo and deep down, I feel we should toss it to the side. Neither of us is right nor wrong and we both have Bailey's best interest in mind. As a pro for the chemo, there is a chance that it could help stop/slow down the cancer growth. As a con, it may make her sick. Both sides could be debated back and forth and for now, we have decided to hold off doing anything until Sunday. Why Sunday? It will give Bailey a chance to recover from her bleed and get her GI tract back on track (no pun intended). Also, our Oncologist will be at a training seminar from Friday - Monday so not as available should we have any concerns with the chemo.

**Ok - just did a proof of the blog thus far and now I'm feeling like maybe we should start the chemo...ugh, this is no easy decision.**

Baileyism
Bailey has always been a bit of a dare devil. Her first experience with presumed 'super doggie powers' came as a pup when I was teaching her to swim. I bought this life jacket which I think Bailey mistook for a flying cape as should would jump off the boulders into the pool. Somewhere in our moving boxes I have the video and will share at a later date. In the meantime, just visualize this crazy girl running and jumping off boulders 10x her size.

Bad, bad news

2009-10-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

We've just returned from the vet where we received horrible news. The cancer has spread to Bailey's liver and she has at least two masses - the largest is about the size of a silver dollar. At least one of the masses is leaking as she has blood in her belly. My heart is breaking. I have feared this day for 2 and 1/2 months knowing that someday the cancer would rear it's ugly head. I am feeling so many emotions from complete sadness to anger to disbelief. She has been doing so good....I just don't understand. Last week she was sprinting out the door - Saturday she was leading the way on our hike. Now this.

I'm so distraught - we tried to do everything right. She loves life so much it's just not fair to take her away from this world- away from me. Just yesterday, I was laying in bed with her holding paws (it's one of our things) and I was telling her that I needed her to be here with me when the big 4-0 hits next April. I was telling her about all the fun things we would be doing between now and then from bringing home her new baby sister to the parents coming for a visit and the upcoming holidays. I also told her I needed her to be in the new house so I could "feel" her presence even when she was gone. What am I going to do. The thought of losing her brings me to the floor.

I was waiting to share this news at a later date, but now may be the time. We put down a deposit for another puppy about 6 weeks ago. One of Bailey's younger siblings (same mom and dad as Bailey - but younger litter) had puppies a few weeks ago. We are to pick out the puppy on Halloween and planned to take Bailey with us to help make the choice. We wanted Bailey to help raise the puppy and teach her all of the silly things - like showtime and prancy prance. We have a name all set - Basil - as the first syllable is similar to Bailey. This is tough. Now that we know Bailey's time is limited (we are praying for a month), I don't want to take one ounce of attention away from her. At the same time, I want Basil to pick up Bailey's habit of following me from room to room...and a million other things.

As for Bailey's treatment, we did not do chemo today. It's obvious the Dox is not working for her so now need to put her through the dosage. We have upped her intake of Yunnan (pill that stops bleeding) and will start her on oral chemo tomorrow. The oral chemo is from France and considered experimental for Bailey's type of cancer (it does well for mass cell tumors). It is supposed to be easy on the GI tract with minimal side effects. If she has bad side effects, we will stop all together, but feel it's important to give this one last try.

Here is a picture from the vet today with Joe and I holding Bailey's paws before the ultrasound. Please keep her in your prayers.

Baileyism
Bailey is so gentle with other dogs. Regardless of the size, she will lay down flat on the ground and roll over to a submissive position. While this may be typical when meeting a big dog, it's comical to see Bailey do this when running into a chiwawa. I wish I would of had the video camera a few weeks ago when Bailey scooted for 5 feet (while laying flat on the floor) to say hi to a wiener dog. It is truly priceless. Here is a picture from Bailey and a new friend - note Bailey's typical position. One other funny thing, Bailey is submissive with other dogs, but not Bocci -no way. In this house, Bailey is the Alpba dog followed by Joe or I then Bocci.

Scare of a Potential Bleed

2009-10-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Bailey has been doing fabulous until last night. Typically, she greets us at the door, runs to the bed, and performs showtime - but not last night. She would not eat dinner and hid behind the table. I immediately checked her gums and found them to be very pale - a common sign of an internal bleed. We checked her abdomen, but did not see any bloating (good sign) and her temp was normal. I gave her a Yunnan pill which is supposed to stop any bleeding.

The only other thing I can think of causing the odd behavior is arthritis pain. She had a busy weekend with the hike and a few trips to the new house. She also took a spill when jumping out of Joe's SUV. Arthritis pain comes to mind as she kept licking her upper arms (where they connect to the torso). While I could see pain affecting her appetite, it still does not explain the pale gums.

I may get an ultrasound done this morning, but have mixed emotions as I don't know that I can take bad news. She has been doing so good and this brings back all the worries of losing her. I can't imagine my live without Bailey. I pray this is just a fluke and that I'm overreacting. She ate a little breakfast and seems happier today - but is not at the vibrant level as the past few weeks.

Round Four - Tomorrow Morning

2009-10-11T06:30:00.001-07:00

I have mixed emotions about Bailey's chemo treatment tomorrow. The last round went very well, but it was on a lower dosage. I'm not sure if they will increase to normal settings tomorrow or keep with the smaller amount of Dox. I certainly want the drug to do its thing, but don't want Bailey to react like the first two rounds. Either way, we will definitely do the pre-treatment and start her on stomach meds right away.

We took Bailey on a hike yesterday (see pic) - or wait - maybe it was the other way around. I'm a worrywart so we turned around after 1.5 miles....she wanted to keep going! I'll take her to the park this morning for a run in the grass.

Okay - this paragraph is for other doggies with hemangiosarcoma...friends may want to skip over. While Bailey's attitude and energy level are amazing, she still has diarrhea - no fun. It's been going on for almost a month - even with a full prescription of Metronizadol (sp). I'll ask the doc about it tomorrow and report back with any findings. She's been on the same diet for weeks with the Evo Low Fat/non-grain kibble. We also mix in about 1/4 can of the Evo wet food. Her pills are the same with 6 K9 Immunity, 4 Yunnan and 2 Probiotic. Once in a while we mix in cooked egg. I need to introduce other foods that promote blood growth (liver, etc.), but kept her diet consistent for a few weeks to see if the diarrhea would disappear. Since it's still present, I may as well add the other ingredients.

Baileyism
Bailey likes to smell my eyes. I've never had another dog do that, and as far as I know, she does not do that to anyone else. Should I have a complex? Do I have stinky eyes?

Like the Energizer Bunny

2009-10-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Bailey girl is doing fabulous! She has five days left before her fourth treatment and to see her today, you would have no idea she was going through chemo. She was kind enough to take me on a walk this morning...I opened the door and out she ran with me trailing behind. Who needs a treadmill when you are tethered to a rambunctious Golden!

One thing is for sure, Bailey has far more energy than previous weeks. I'm starting to wonder if it's from the K9 Immunity pills as we have not changed anything else in her diet or routine. She started the supplement about 3 weeks ago and it's said to kick in around day fourteen. A few weeks ago, she would tire easy and was not her peppy self. Now, she is at the same energy level as a year ago - way before the cancer reared its ugly head.

Baileyism
One of my favorites stories to tell is about the day that Bailey and I first met. She was part of a big litter and the breeder met me in Casa Grande - about 1/2 way for both of us. I had 6 female pups to pick from which was no easy task. Thank God the breeder was patient while I spent an hour playing with the puppies. I finally narrowed it down to 3 and placed ribbons around their necks to keep track of my favorites. I remember asking the man upstairs to help me pick the best...to give me some kind of a sign. All of a sudden, Bailey ran over to her 'first mom', latched on, flipped on her back, and started nursing. It was so comical to watch her as it seemed like such a sassy and spontaneous move. I've been a sucker for her ever since and these pics are from our first day.

What Matters Most

2009-09-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, this entry is a selfish one. It's purpose is to remind me to keep my chin up and remember all the warmth that Bailey brings to my life.

Make no mistake, Bailey is doing great. This third round a chemo was night and day from the previous two treatments and she soared through with flying colors. We will continue to march forward and face this ugly cancer head on.

What Matters Most
As I sit outside and watch her sun herself, chomp at flies and flash cute smiles my direction, I'm reflecting back on our journey. It's been 2 months and 2 days since her emergency splenectomy. There is no doubt, that without Joe's quick thinking, Bailey would have crossed that rainbow bridge. So, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've been blessed with 62 more days than most people get who have a pet with a ruptured spleen. I've been able to hold Bailey, take her to her favorite park, feed her out of my hand, smell her fritos feet, enjoy showtimes, and many, many more things that are special between the two of us. I pray that I will have months and years left with her....that she will be one of the miracle pups that blows the estimated 6 month survival out of the water. But, if for whatever reason she is taken before I am ready, I'll be thankful for the gift of time and the second chance that Bailey and I were given.

Baileyism
I've always told Bailey that I wanted to "bottle her up" - to capture all of her quirky traits and store them for a rainy day. This picture is one for the bottle, it captures the special way she rests her head in my hand and looks at me with pure, unconditional love. It melts my heart every time.

Post Chemo - Round Three

2009-09-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that Bailey is doing so much better this time around. She had her third round of chemo on Monday and so far, the side effects have been minimal. YAHOO!!

Round three was given by our new vet, Dr. Hershey, who practices an integrative approach to cancer (chemo and a mix of supplements). Bailey was pretreated with Ondansetron (5mg given sub-q) just before receiving a lower dose of the chemo drug, Doxorubicin (24.8mg). Her prescribed meds changed from Cerenia to Ondansetron given twice a day along with Metronidasole to combat diarrhea (which was happening before the treatment). I've opted to give Bailey Pepcid AC 6 hours after each Ondansetron pill to help with potential tummy issues. I'm also walking her a bit and giving low carb treats throughout the day to keep food in her system. Granted, she is not 100% and certainly not as peppy as last week, but all things considered, I am relieved.

Baileyism
Like most doggie parents, we have several nicknames for Bocci and Bailey. Bocci often goes by Slim, Pretty Princess and Big Girl. Bailey has a slew of pet names (no pun intended) such as Monster, Cute P, Wailey, Sassifrass, Puppy - and now, she has a new nickname created by her dad last night....Pee Pee. Yep, Pee Pee. While trying to encourage Bailey to eat dinner, Joe blurted out, "Come on Pee Pee." At the same time, Joe and I looked at each other and said, "Pee Pee???? Where did that come from?" I think he meant to say puppy, but it obviously came out wrong. Wish I would of had the video camera taping Joe as the look on his face was priceless.
Here is a picture of Pee Pee waiting for her dad to come home from work...notice, slimy baby is her pillow.

Preparing for Round Three

2009-09-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

Bailey has her third chemo treatment tomorrow and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Round two was brutal and it took almost a week to shake the side effects. I'm hoping this time will be different as she'll receive a pretreatment of Zofran. We'll hold off on the acupuncture tomorrow and understand it is available post-chemo if needed.

All things considered, Bailey is doing great. I feel so fortunate to have this 2nd chance with her and plan my free time around doggie activities. A few things to note regarding Bailey's health: At some point (wish I would have written down the actual day), I noticed Bailey eating grass. She's also developed diarrhea on Friday. This has me a bit concerned as we've been careful about keeping her diet consistent. She's been eating the Evo Reduced Fat dog food for the past two weeks with a combination of turkey, eggs and broccoli. The supplements I talked about a few posts ago are added to each meal. The only thing that is fairly new is the K9 Immunity which was started on Tuesday. Diarrhea is not a common side effect of K9 Immunity so something else must be going on....just need to find out what that is! I also wanted to point out Bailey's energy level has decreased quite a bit. Lord knows she has been through a ton, but it's hard to see her tire so quickly.

Baileyism
Bailey drinks incredibly loud. Actually, not only can I hear her from across the house, I can easily track her down with the trail of water she leaves behind. The funny thing is, Bocci is the total opposite and drinks like a tiny kitten. Cracks me up.

Here is a picture from our short hike the other day. I also came across this funny clip from a few weeks ago when Bailey was on a chicken/rice diet and Bocci was not eating due to her Pancreatitis.

Dine and Dash

2009-09-14T20:15:00.001-07:00

I've had so much fun with Bailey this past week. She's back to her ol' self - stealing leashes, putting on shows and warming my heart. She even played mountain goat on the hill behind our house - there was nothing stopping her from reaching the top.

We received Bailey's K9 immunity pills and boy is that stuff pricey. We paid $155 for 180 capsules. She will get a total of 6 K9 pills per day plus 2 Probiotics and 4 Yunnan pills. She should be taking K9 Transfer Factor, but I forgot to order. Ugh. Thankfully - the pills are easy to hide in her food. I've become an expert at hiding pills in food over the past 6 weeks...so good, that when I went to take my vitamin the other day, I accidentally wrapped it in turkey....as if to hide it from myself. I need help which is no surprise to many. :)

Bocci is doing great as well. While we know she will never run up a hill, she has been trotting to the mailbox and back with me. It is such a relief to have our two girls feeling better. Thank you again for all the prayers and positive thoughts - it worked!!

Baileyism (more of a storyism this week)
This past Friday, Bailey and I went to a feed store to get her high protein/grain-free food. While there, Bailey found a bin full of homemade treats - $2 each. Before I knew it, she devoured a peanut butter, paw-shaped treat. I tried to pay for Bailey's snack, but the clerk said not to worry. On the way out, Bailey ran past the bin a second time, grabbed several treats and darted out the door. She was on a mission - as if she knew we had to run before getting caught. I can't believe my golden and I pulled a 'dine and dash' move - especially since bystanders saw the crime in action. I wonder if there is a WANTED poster stapled to the door with a picture of Bailey and I???

A dear friend of mine is a photographer and took this picture of Bailey back in May. Such a great shot!

A Combo Approach

2009-09-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

Bailey and I had an appointment with an integrative vet (Dr. Hershey) yesterday who specializes in both eastern and western medicine. Dr. Hershey confirmed our research that adding supplements to Bailey's diet will help her fight against cancer and minimize the side effects of chemo. Dr. Hershey laid out a meal program for Bailey which is a slow transition to a high protein/low carb/low fat diet. Here are the details:

Daily food
Innova Eva High Protein/reduced fat diet - 2 cups daily (purchased from a feed store)
Add lean protein such as chicken, turkey or fish
Add foods that help build blood including liver, spinach, eggs and sardines (gross!)
Add Garlic and Turmeric as antioxidants and for flavor

Supplements (to be purchased online)
K9 Immunity - builds the immune system
K9 Transfer Factor - builds the immune system
Yunnan - to prevent internal bleeding
Probiotics - Bailey was on this before so we are started up again
More supplements will be added over time

As in life, there are no guarantees, but we feel good about our new integrated approach and find comfort knowing others have had great success. I just read another happy story in the Yahoo Group Forum where a dog named Henry is 1.5 years past his HSA diagnosis. He did the 5 rounds of chemo and is now on a maintenance program. I also like that we purchase the supplements over the Internet vs. directly from the vet.

We are considering moving our chemo treatments to Dr. Hershey. Currently, we pay AZ Veterinary Specialists about $550 per treatment. Dr. Hershey is a bit of a drive, but $100 less expensive and most importantly, can pretreat Bailey for side effects. Lord knows, it would also be great to have one less vet to juggle. :)

Baileyism
Okay - I fully understand that we all think our kids (2 legged and 4 legged) are the cutest. Joe and I are no exception and get a bang out of Bailey's different "walks" - she is doing her hippity hop in this video taken last winter where she runs funny with her two front legs. She also has prancy prance and several others which I hope to get on video. Yes - I also recognize that our funny names are a bit out there....you think it's time we had kids???

Post Chemo - 1 Week Later

2009-09-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Labor day! Bailey is doing fabulous and looking forward to a morning at the park.

The second round of chemo was rough as the side effects kicked in 12 hours post treatment - normally they start day 3. Bailey got sick a couple times (day 2 and 3) combined with slimy drool on day 3. Her tummy was upset days 2-4 and she ate very little. As of day 5, she was feeling back to normal and craving attention. Our favorite vet did chemo for her Mastiff a few years ago and warned us in advance that round 2 was rough. Boy, was she right!

As for food, Bailey has become quite picky over the past month. Our initial goal was to cut out carbs (they feed cancer), but our run-in with Pancreatitis put that meal plan on hold. The week prior to chemo, Bailey was eating a home cooked meal of boiled rice and chicken. We used white rice, but I've read both brown and white can be used. When her appetite kicked in on Friday (4 days after chemo), we started her on eggs, low salt crackers and lowfat prescription canned dog food. We will stick with the low fat/bland diet for another day then slowly introduce regular food. I boiled chicken last night, but she had no interest. Can't say I blame her! Medication wise, she took Cerenia pills to help with vomiting days 2-5 and a Pepcid AC days 5-6.

I found a great link for hemangiosarcoma via Yahoo Groups - it's called the Sumner Foundation. Basically, it's a place where those battling the awful disease can go for advice, support and comradery. I've learned so much from this site in just a few days and have a new found hope that we can help Bailey even more. I've also found a number of cases where dogs beat the odds of hemangiosarcoma and live for months and YEARS past their prognosis! While it's the Vets job to give us stats (life expectancy of 6 months with chemo), talking with owners who go the extra mile to help their beloved pets is equally important to me.

We're excited to meet with a homeopathic vet on Tuesday as she practices both traditional and holistic methods. We feel she will help us find the right balance for Bailey's diet, supplements and treatment. Although pricey, we have decided to do an ultrasound on Bailey prior to the next chemo treatment. If the cancer has spread, we will stop the chemo all together and solely do homeopathic treatment. If the cancer is in remission (please God - say it is), we will likely continue with chemo and may look at a different formula in hopes to lesson the side effects. It's worth mentioning especially as I know others with hemangio are following Bailey's Blog, that her side effects are NOT normal. In all of my research and talking with doggie parents, most have little to no side effects. I think Bailey's situation has been worse as she is also dealing with a Pancreatitis, Valley Fever, possible UTI and all the meds supporting those illnesses.

Baileyism
I imagine this will come as no surprise, but Bailey is a bit spoiled and can be sassy when she doesn't get her way (hmmm - I wonder where she gets that from). When snuggling in bed with us, she lets out a high-pitched whine if we close our eyes and stop petting her. This, or course, is only when SHE wants attention as it's often on her terms. Our favorite thing about Bailey is her personality and silly mannerisms - she keeps us laughing and smiling from the inside out.

Here is a snapshot from this morning - Bailey is "over" me typing this blog and ready to head to the park for some fun!

50 Hours Post Chemo - Round Two

2009-09-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Bailey's second chemo treatment took place late Monday afternoon. Typically any nausea associated with chemo begins day three, but Bailey's kicked in 12 hours after the treatment. The early start may be due to the Valley Fever or the mixture of meds/chemo. To make matters worse, she may have a urinary tract infection (UTI) indicated by the two "accidents" this past weekend and frequent squats.

I took her to the vet yesterday for a UTI test, but they were unable to get a urine sample. Instead, Bailey was given a shot of antibiotics and pills to take for the next 10 days. I think the additional meds sent the poor girl into trouble as she woke today feeling even worse. Her symptoms include: slimy mucus and drooling from the mouth, complete loss of appetite, and obvious upset tummy. I took her back to the vet today and they did a CBC (Complete Blood Count) and found that everything was in check - great news. They gave her a shot to help settle her stomach and sub-q fluids (under the skin) to boost her hydration. She seems to be feeling a little better although far from normal. We've been instructed to stop the Valley Fever meds and antibiotics until we get her back on track. A note to those following Bailey's progress for comparisons to their cancer pups, she vomited once (12 hours post chemo) and had one spell of diarrhea (42 hours post chemo). Sorry if that is TMI for friends and family. :)

We'll keep an eye on her over the next 24 hours and get with the Oncologist if the symptoms do not subside. Thankfully, I work out of the house so can monitor her progress. Have I mentioned that I've become a pro at the "rear" temperature check - fun stuff. Even though she is feeling under the weather, she still manages to make me laugh. Today I found her in the spare room laying on the pillows with her butt up in the air and head resting on a big stuffed animal. Check out the video - I wonder if it's a sin to be this cute??

Baileyism
Along with being a snoop, Bailey is a leash thief. Here is a picture of her taking one from a bag that is packed for the weekend. The best part is the sneaky way she attempts to tip-toe across the house hoping we do not notice. I wonder when she'll figure out that the clanking noise made by the metal is a dead giveaway??

Chemo - Round Two

2009-08-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

After a bit of soul searching and hours of research on the Internet, we decided to stick with our initial plan and continue Bailey's chemo. We are also going to introduce homeopathic treatments from a separate vet who practices both traditional and holistic medicine. We feel the combination of chemo to fight the cancer cells and herbs to boost Bailey's immune system will give her the best possible outcome.

Bailey will continue to receive chemo treatments every three weeks from Dr. Beaver at Arizona Veterinary Specialist. Meanwhile, she will see Dr. Hershey for herbs and supplements. We may even get crazy and do acupuncture! I've always been a skeptic, but will keep an open mind this time around.

Chemo - Round Two
Since Bailey's white cell count dropped below 1000 after her first treatment, Dr. Beaver lowered the chemo dosage. We are using Doxorubicin which is common for dogs with hemangiosarcoma. Bailey was given stomach meds for the next few days to help with the side effects. Along with her Valley Fever meds, she is also on Probiotics to help recover from the Pancreatitis.

More good news - our Bocci girl is doing so much better! I am so thankful as I truly thought her days were numbered. She went almost 3 weeks without a full meal - surviving on little bits of chicken and rice. Within the last 36 hours, she has improved dramatically. She's even to the point of waiting for food to drop from anyone that steps near the kitchen (see below picture). Both girls are getting a bit spoiled with the home cooked rice and chicken - but they are worth the stove duty. We'll start Bailey back on the low carb diet next week after she has recovered from the chemo.

One other note about Bailey, she had two episodes with incontinence this past weekend. She is also a bit clumsy - almost as if she is tripping on occasion. We've talked to both our standard vet and the oncologist and we do not believe it is related to the cancer. It could be a number of things from age to neurological issues. For now, we'll keep an eye on her and seek tests if it continues.

Baileyism
Bailey's feet smell like Fritos Corn Chips. I know, I know - I should NOT admit this out loud, but I couldn't resist. So I dare you, smell your dogs feet and I bet you find something similar. Enjoy!

Here is a picture of Bailey after her 2nd round of chemo along with a shot of Bocci waiting for a bite to eat.

The Right Thing to Do?

2009-08-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm in a cloud of confusion trying to determine the best thing to do for Bailey. It's been 34 days since her emergency spleen operation and news of terminal cancer. To look at Bailey today, you would have no idea that something awful was brewing inside of her. She is bright, funny, needy (my favorite) and to the eye, a cute 10 year old golden.

When this all transpired, I was determined to stick to chemo as per several vets and the Internet, it gave Bailey the best chance for surviving 6 months or so. Without chemo, her estimated time on earth dropped to 1 to 3 months. Either way, a heart breaker.

My girlfriend, Kelle, and I talked with a Holistic vet today and I've started to research alternative medicine for Bailey. I'd give anything for a crystal ball to tell me - 'do this and that and she'll live for several years.' Based on who you talk to or what you read, the treatment plans vary greatly. The Holistic vet today said that she has seen a dog live as long as 2.5 years with Hemangiosarcoma (Bailey's cancer). All reports show that only 10% survive past 12 months, so the vet's example is a true miracle. How do I get that miracle??

We started treating Bailey's Valley Fever a few days ago. Her appetite has dropped a little, but I'm told it will reappear as she adjusts to the medicine. I'm worried about the interaction between the chemo/cancer and meds/valley fever. Both chemo and valley fever wear down the immune system. Lord knows, I'm a perfectionist by nature and I'm now second guessing the best thing to do - and this time it REALLY matters. I'm scared to make the wrong choice and have it hurt Bailey and/or cut her life with me short. I plan to spend the weekend researching both chemo and holistic options and will do some soul searching to determine the best course of treatment. If anyone has experience with either, please contact me as I'd love to hear your story.

This last month - by far - has torn on my heart strings and played with my emotions more than any time before. Bocci and Bailey have been in and out of the vet/hospital so many times I lost count and its been touch and go with both. It seems that when one girl is doing good, the other takes a step back. As of now, Bailey is doing great and we're hoping to get Bocci back to eating solid meals (her Pancreatitis and Kidneys are still causing grief). We put Bocci on stomach meds today hoping it settles her belly. She got sick this afternoon so will likely be going back to the vet if her condition does not improve by Sunday.

Anyone know where I can buy a crystal ball?

Baileyism
Remember Scooby Doo - what a big chicken he could be? Bailey is identical. This past week the AC repair man came to the house. I'll admit, he was a bit scary looking, but the worst part was his squeaky shoes. As he walked through the house, Bailey ran to where I was sitting on the couch and literally jumped on my lap. I was laughing so hard (see right side of the picture) and she was trying to act cool while shivering at the same time. She locked both paws around my neck and was shaking...just like Scooby. Bocci is not agile enough to get on the couch, but paced back and forth like I've never seen. I guess my dad is right, goldens are sure cute, but they stink as watch dogs!

A Corner Turned

2009-08-23T09:38:00.001-07:00

Bailey is feeling so much better. What a relief to see the bounce in her step return! She is due for her next chemo treatment this coming Friday, however, we may postpone for a week to let her heal from the Pancreatits.....and enjoy this piece of heaven.

We learned Friday that Bailey's Valley Fever (VF) test came back positive. Seriously! Can this pup get a break? Thankfully, the titer is low which is a measurement of the infection level. We need to discuss the best way to treat VF with the Oncologist as the chemo may work against VF. For those not from the desert, VF is a fungal infection that is contracted by inhaling cocci spores from soil. Although there is no immediate cure, dogs are treated with meds for several months - sometimes a year plus. If found early - the disease is very manageable.

The odd thing is, we almost skipped the VF test on Bailey as she was not coughing - a common symptom. I'm so glad the vet talked us into the test or we may have found out too late. Also, the vet had a good point that AZ dogs should be tested once a year for VF as it's common in the desert. Take a minute to research the signs of VF and if your pup has a few of the symptoms, I'd suggest spending the cash to get them tested.

Baileyism
Bailey is a total snoop. This past 4th of July we went to our friend's house (Kamie and Dana) for a BBQ and swimming party with the dogs. Along with their two dogs, Kamie and Dana have a cat who has a "secret room" accessed through the master closet. While roaming every floor and room in the house, Bailey stumbled upon the cat - she then ran to me, led me upstairs, down the hall and into the master closet to show me her new, found treasure. Bailey stayed in the closet for over an hour in a staring war with that cat. Such a funny dog.

Lessons Learned

2009-08-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

Of all my posts thus far - this one is the most important as I'm hoping others will learn from our mistake.

Both girls refused to eat all weekend. After trying everything in the pantry including an early morning run to the grocery store for baby food (yuck by the way) - I threw in the towel and took Bocci and Bailey to the vet Monday around noon. The vet suggested we do fourteen million tests ranging from valley fever to giardia. She was also concerned about Bocci's protein levels and wanted to take more x-rays of her belly in search of a tumor. My heart dropped to the floor - it's hard enough battling an awful disease in one dog - but two?? Bocci and Bailey were put on IVs for the remainder of the day while I went home and prayed to every Saint possible.

Later Monday night, the vet delivered the test results. Bocci did not have any visible tumors (thank you, God). However, along with her pancreatitis and thyroid issues, she also has a urinary tract infection and her kidneys are in the beginning stage of failure. While that sounds awful, there are things we can do to help prolong her kidney strength. As for Bailey, she has a pancreatitis, unbalanced bacteria and her white cell count has dropped significantly. Both girls were sent home with tons of meds and scheduled for another full day of IV treatments on Tuesday. Thankfully, the girls kept their meds down so were able to avoid the vet on Wednesday. They seem to be doing better today (Thursday) and have a follow up appointment tomorrow.

So here is the lesson learned - we likely had a hand in the girls pancreatitis. A few weeks back, we switched Bailey's diet to 75% protein and 25% veggies - avoiding carbs as they promote cancer growth. Bocci's food was switched as well so she could enjoy the home cooking. Our huge mistake was not changing their diet gradually and introducing too much fat (found in the protein). While our goal was to help them, we ended up causing major damage to their systems not to mention the near $2,500 we paid in vet bills. So if you plan to change your dog's diet, do so by mixing with their current food slowly over a two week time period. Also, with the exception of special diets like boiled chicken, you truly are not doing your pet a favor by feeding people food. I've learned that the majority of pancreatits episodes happen after the holidays when owners feed their dogs all of the leftovers. Dog's should never eat junk food, fried or fast food items. Believe me, you don't want to experience what we've put our babies through this past week. The look on their face where they are wearing catheter socks says it all - no fun!

When it rains, it pours

2009-08-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

Bocci stopped eating on Wednesday. I took her to the vet Friday morning where she received sub-q (under the skin) fluids. Later Friday night, Bocci began vomiting - she had 5 episodes between midnight and 7 am. We went back to the vet first thing in the morning and she was placed on an IV for the day. I picked her up around 5pm and the vet suggested we x-ray the abdomen and do a Pancreas test. Bocci and I drove across town to another vet for the procedure. I paced the floor for 45 minutes worried sick that they would find a mass similar to Bailey. Thankfully, the x-ray did not show any visible masses, however, I was warned that the only real way to tell is through an ultrasound. The vet also tested Bocci's blood and determined that along with a thyroid issues (which we learned about last week) that Bocci has Pancreatitis. Pancreatitis is treatable with meds and a restricted diet. Bocci is home with me now and eating bits of boiled chicken.

As for Bailey, she was feeling awesome on Friday. It was so good to see her being silly and sassy. Unfortunately, she joined Bocci around 4am Saturday morning - vomiting a number of times. A trip to the vet turned up normal blood and temperature readings. She's home, but barely eating. I spoke with the Oncologist today who said it's not likely that the upset stomach is from chemo.

It seems so odd that both girls are sick with similar symptoms. I've retraced their meals and activity and cannot pinpoint the cause. I feel so bad for both of them - the 3 of us are laying low hoping a day away from the vet and meds will get life back to normal. Dear Lord - when is this going to stop? This is taking such an emotional toll on the girls and I.

Joe is back in Wisconsin, so special thanks to Kelle for spending the night and my sister, mom and little Char for their numerous calls to check on the girls. I'm completely drained and hope we can get these two turned around - they deserve to be happy and healthy as they've brought so much joy to the world.

Baileyism and Bocciism
We'll keep this one short - If my love could save you, you would live forever.

Doggie Update

2009-08-14T06:38:00.001-07:00

Bailey has been in much better spirits the past two days! She's silly, wants attention and has an appetite like her dad. We're taking her to the vet today for a blood and temperature check which is standard procedure 7-10 days after chemo. We can't get her poop back to normal (there is just no pretty way to say it), so the vet will have us try different meds over the weekend.

My focus the last couple days has switched to Bocci. She has absolutely no appetite and I can't get her to eat. Bocci lives for food so there is something terribly wrong. At first, I thought it was the thyroid meds, but now I'm not sure. We're heading to the vet first thing this morning. Keep your fingers crossed that she is okay. My heart hurts for her.

This picture was taken in happier times when they were both healthy. I'd give anything to have those days back.
Baileyism and Bocciism
I may regret telling this story, but the girls and I play hide and go seek during the day. When I need a break from work or to purely entertain the girls, I quietly disappear into one of my "spots". Within about 3 minutes, they realize that I'm missing and go on the hunt. It's treat time once they find me so I'm quite certain they love the game as much as I.

We also play the hiding game when I come home from a trip. I sneak into the house before Joe lets the girls in from outside. He does the normal greet and treat - not leading on that I'm home (we even leave the suitcase in the car). A few minutes later, the girls pick up my scent and start running through the house trying to find me. Hmmm - I wonder if this dog mom needs help! :)

The Effects of Chemo

2009-08-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

We're starting to see the effects of chemo. Bailey had diarrhea most of yesterday and all through the night. She ate very little for breakfast and is missing the bounce in her step. The side effects should subside in a few days. The doctor has called in a prescription to help and we'll be sure to give Bailey extra TLC (as if she needs any more). She'll be excited later today when we head to the vet for stitch removal.

Both dogs went to the vet on Saturday for their annual exam. Bocci has a thyroid issue and will be taking meds to get it back in line. It sure is tough seeing the girls age. Bocci will be 12 next month and Bailey just turned 10. It seems that no matter how much you prepare, the pain gets worse at the thought of losing an animal - especially those who are so close to the heart. This weekend was an emotional one for me. Aside from the vet visit - I didn't leave the house. I've promised myself that I would stay strong around the girls (they can read me like a fire hydrant) so I'm thankful for quick visits behind closed doors where they can't see my sadness.

Wow - is this a bummer of a blog entry or what? I must end on a happy note so here is a quirky something about Bailey.

Baileyism
Bailey had a number of ear infections as a pup and therefore hates anyone looking at, touching or even thinking about coming close to her ears. Here is a clip of Bailey at the vet where she's attempting to stand on her head to avoid the ear scope. Such a baby!

First Chemo Appointment

2009-08-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Bailey had her first chemo appointment today and as the doctors expected, she left the building wagging her tail and in high spirits. Similar to people, she may feel the side effects in a few days, but we're hoping she sails through to the next treatment in 3 weeks.

Funny story...Bailey and I were hanging by the reception desk when a girl behind the counter answered the phone in a high pitched/happy voice. Bailey thought the girl was talking to her, so she jumped up and put her two front paws on the counter to say "Hello" back to the girl. Maybe it was one of those moments where you just had to be there, but it was so funny as Bailey clearly thought the girl was talking to her...she can be a bit self absorbed at times. :) Here is a photo of Bailey after her first treatment - happy as can be!

Baileyism
It cracks me up when dogs take on human traits - like sassiness or jealousy. Bailey is no exception and in our minds, has more human traits than some folks I know. We can't help but laugh when Bailey gets jealous of Bocci which is ANY time Bocci is getting more attention. Bailey's jealousy is especially evident when Bocci has a toy. Typically, Bailey could care less about stuffed toys....that is until Bocci has one in her mouth. Only then is Bailey interested in the toy. Joe also teases Bailey when he comes home by greeting each dog. All is great when Bailey is getting her love, but heaven forbid Bocci get a hello from her dad - the sass that comes out of Bailey has us in stitches.

Boccism
We can't help but point out some of Bocci's quirky habits - like when she gathers all of her stuffed babies and plops down in the middle - as if she's having a tea party and they're all invited.

Bailey's Bistro

2009-08-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

We've learned that carbohydrates and sugar can feed cancer cells causing them to grow at a faster rate. What this means for Bailey is no more run-of-the-mill dry dog food! We've now opened "Bailey's Bistro" where she and her lucky sister dine on pork, chicken, beef, tuna, cheese chunks, eggs, cottage cheese and steamed vegetables. With this high protein diet, Miss Puppy USA better watch out - Bailey will be swimsuit ready in no time! Here is a behind the scene look at our culinary skills.

Baileyism
Dogs have just as many quirky habits as humans. For Bocci, it's leading us to the treat jar several times a day. For Bailey, it's licking her RIGHT paw after each meal...not her left paw, only her right. Needless to say, Bailey's right paw is getting a workout as she is loving her new Bistro menu.

Cardiologist Report - Good News

2009-08-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

We received good news from the Cardiologist today - Bailey's heart is free of any visible cancer signs. Thank you, Thank you!! Bailey is still having a few heart arrhythmias - likely left over from surgery. The doctors don't seem too concerned so her first chemo treatment is this coming Friday.

I managed to build up a gigantic mountain of anxiety prior to and during Bailey's appointment. Once Dr. Beaver shared the good news, I wept uncontrollable - she didn't know what to say! LOL I honestly don't know how people with terminal family members handle the pressure. This is our first and my heart bleeds for you if you've been or are currently going through such an ordeal.

I'm flying to NYC tonight for a three day work trip. A couple good friends will be stopping by the house to check on Bocci and Bailey. I can't wait to get home and I've not even left!

Baileyism
Bailey is not a fan of me traveling. She pouts from the minute my suitcase comes out of the closet. It's amazing just how intuitive animals can be. This picture of Bailey was taken a few years ago when I was in the midst of packing. I now keep the suitcase in the spare bedroom and pack when Bailey is sleeping.

Venting

2009-08-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm heartbroken. Why did this have to happen to Bailey? She is such a good dog - so sweet to others...always wagging her tail. She's submissive to other dogs regardless of their size. She follows me from room to room and brightens my every day. I know it's part of life and I know Bailey has had a great 10 years and I know I should cherish every second I have left. I understand all of this, but it does not stop the pain. I promised myself yesterday that I would not cry anymore - that I would turn my energy toward positive things. That promise lasted less than 18 hours. I'm not writing this for pity - I just needed to vent....I feel so helpless. Why, God, WHY my Bailey girl?? I'm so angry with you right now.

My Soul Dog

2009-08-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

Wow - does Bailey know me like the back of her paw! As you can imagine, I have been a ball of anxiety and sadness this past week. I've been through 1000+ tissues and several shirt sleeves. I've spent the last 4 nights sleeping on a make-shift bed on the floor next to Bocci and Bailey. I last showered....not sure I want to admit that here. Anyway, I've noticed that Bailey has been mopey and depressed. At first, I thought it was the medicine and/or her sore belly. She was not following me from room to room, wagging her tail or responding to attention. Certainly not traits of Bailey. It finally occurred to me that she was mimicking my behavior. Go figure. So today I decided to turn over a new leaf - put the sleeping bag away and consider brushing my teeth. Bocci, Bailey and I started our day with a walk around the block followed by breakfast and a mini Showtime. We snuggled, laid in the sun and cleaned the house. At one point, Bailey even sassed me for dancing crazy in the kitchen - I often embarrass her when I act silly.

Although Dracula (my new name for the awful blood cancer that is hurting my baby) is always on my mind, I'm trying to focus on happy times and creating more memories.

Baileyism
Bailey and I feed off of each other's energy. This picture was taken in January 2009 at Dog Expo in Tempe. The look on her face is priceless. It appears she is doing a round off from a Showtime performance. Gosh - I love that dog!

Bailey's First Oncology Visit

2009-07-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

We made our first trip to the Oncologist today at Arizona Veterinary Specialists (AZVS) in Gilbert. Bailey was super excited to get out of the house. Upon arrival and in her usual style, she put her two front paws on the counter to greet the receptionist. I let a yell out worried that Bailey would tear her staples. I think I scared her more than she scared me!

The staff and facility at AZVS is impressive - I felt like I was at a first class hospital with individual waiting areas for each dog and their human. Bailey's Oncologist, Dr. Beaver, comes highly recommended and has great credentials. This is especially comforting to both Joe and I. Here is a picture of Bailey waiting for the doctor. I love the new fashion statement - shaved forearms!

Bailey's cancer is in stage 2 with 3 being the "worst" rating. Dr. Beaver informed us that the chemo would likely increase Bailey's lifespan from 2/3 months (without treatment) to 6 months. The dogs go through 5 to 8 sessions of chemo - all 3 weeks apart. Once the last session of chemo is administered, Bailey will be "staged" again to determine how well it worked. If she is doing well, then we can continue with oral chemo at home. We have done a ton of research on chemo and while it may be scary and physically difficult for humans, the dogs are rarely phased by the treatments. Lord knows, we would never do anything to harm Bailey or lower her quality of life. I'm thankful there is a solution - although short term - that will prolong her beautiful life. We are determined to beat the odds. If you've had the pleasure of spending even a few moments with Bailey, you will understand why our mission is so important.

Next step - Bailey meets with the cardiologist on Monday for an echo cardiogram. A basic test to make sure the cancer has not yet reached the heart (fingers crossed). Her first chemo treatment with be Friday, August 7th.

Baileyism
Bailey CRAVES attention. She's not partial as to who it comes from and will go to great lengths to catch your eye. Here, Bailey is looking at me over the foot board. I'm sure I was doing 500 crunches at the time (wink wink) and she was trying to get my attention to come snuggle with her on the bed. As you guessed it - she won - which likely explains my round belly.

Biopsy News

2009-07-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

As expected, Bailey has hemangiosarcoma. While this is such sad, sad news - we are finding some relief as her liver tests came back clean. My understanding and hope is that we now have a bit more time to tackle this monster and spend precious time with Bailey. Our first appointment with the Oncologist is tomorrow morning - there is no time to waist.

Thanks to the Canine Cancer Foundation (www.wearethecure.com), I've been turned on to a vet who specializes in alternative therapy which can be coupled with chemo. While there are no guarantees, anything that will ensure Bailey has a quality life is our top priority.

Now that we know what we are up against, I'm breathing a bit easier. Bailey is a fighter - she mastered her way to recovery last year after having a cantaloupe size cyst removed and is doing great thus far from Saturday's surgery. If there was ever a dog that had a chance to be in that lucky 10% to survive twelve or more months with hemangiosarcoma - it's our Bailey.

Baileyism
Bailey loves her babies - this is "Slimy Baby" who we brought to the hospital to keep Bailey company. Slimy Baby is a pladapus from Grandma that Bailey has had since her puppyhood. She's often found using Slimy Baby as a pillow - but here, it looks like she's using it for a step stool.

The Dreadful Day

2009-07-30T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 days and 11 hours since I received that awful call. I was back in Wisconsin with the family when Joe called. He was crying and could barely speak - he said, "It's Bailey, she's still alive, but she has cancer and we need to make a decision." Just hours before, Joe and Bailey were playing in the pool at a friends house. Toward the end of the day, Bailey was standing still in the pool and would not move. When Joe finally got her out of the water she collapsed and he noticed her belly was very bloated.

As it turned out, Bailey's spleen had ruptured due to 2 lesions about golf ball size. She had a third lesion that was about the size of a marble. To Joe and I, there was no "decision" to be made and we instructed the vet to do whatever he could to save her and that money was not an object. I immediately searched for the next flight home while Bailey and Joe prepared for surgery. I'm so thankful that our friend, Kamie, was there with Joe. I'm also forever indebted to Joe for not hesitating to take Bailey to the hospital. We now know that she would have passed away by morning without the care of doctors as her ruptured spleen was squirting blood into her abdomen. She had already lost 2 liters by the time of surgery and a blood transfusion was administered once the spleen was removed. After removing the spleen, the vet (Andy) did a thorough search of Bailey's organs and did not see any visible lesions. While this is obviously great news, Bailey's predicted type of cancer (hemangiosarcoma) is an aggressive blood cancer
with grim hope.

For many reasons, I decided to create a blog for Bailey. First and foremost, to celebrate her life and record all of the special things about her. You see, Bailey is my "Soul Dog" - we have an indescribable bond unlike any I have had with another pet. Part of me feels bad saying that as our other Golden, Bocci, is certainly loved and cherished. But somehow, Bailey is different. As I said, the depth of our relationship cannot be described - my hope is that this blog will be a way for me to attempt to define Bailey and what makes her so very unique. I'm also writing this blog as a way of self-healing. I have not stopped crying since the news of Bailey's cancer and I'm hoping that writing about her, my feelings and our special memories will help me through this difficult time. I also hope that our journey with Bailey will help others who experience this type of sadness and pray that Bailey may inspire others to fight and cure this horrible disease.

As a recap of Bailey's journey thus far, her spleen was removed Saturday, July 25th, 2009 at approximately 9:00pm. The vet sent the spleen along with a biopsy of the liver to the lab for testing. I arrived home at 10:15 the next morning and was able to spend 15 minutes with her. Although a bit groggy, she was recovering well. We went back two other times on Sunday and each visit she seemed a little better. I spent about 1.5 hours with Bailey Monday morning. I was able to get her to eat and we shut the lights off in the exam room so she could rest with me by her side. Joe and I visited a few other times on Monday including spending 2 hours with her and the vet that night. Joe and Andy bonded talking golf, football and Midwestern values. As it turns out, Andy is from Independence, IA - just minutes from where I grew up. Andy is a fantastic vet and the urgent care facilities were top notch. Our room had a comfy couch, blankets and plenty of space to spread out with Bailey.

We visited Bailey again Tuesday morning. Upon entering the exam room she was wincing - something she never does. We were told it was not pain related, but likely anxiety and her desire to go home. I couldn't get her to eat which was different from every other visit. I knew she was homesick and ready to get back to our care. Bailey was finally discharged Tuesday night. She was so excited coming toward us down the hall - as if she knew she was going home. I rode in the back of the SUV with her - she looked so happy and was smiling as Goldens often do. Bocci was super excited to see Bailey and I'm certain confused by all the odd smells. That was quickly ignored once dinner was served (Bocci loves her food). Here is a picture of Bailey on her way home from the hospital.

So today is Thursday - July 30th. I was to travel to NYC today for a week, but that trip was quickly canceled. Bailey is recovering extremely well from the surgery. She's eating, drinking, and going to the bathroom as normal. In fact, she's even tried to do a few "showtimes" which we decided to cut short fearing her staples would come out. Showtime is Bailey's way of being silly - she flops around on the bed, carpet, grass - anywhere she can find. She growls, kicks her legs, covers her eyes and melts our hearts all at the same time. My goal is to get Showtime on video and post to the blog.

We will likely receive the results of the biopsy today. We have been prepared for the worst as the cancer has likely spread to other organs and is microscopic to the eye. We understand the lifespan for dogs with hemangiosarcoma is weeks to 3 months with surgery alone. We've been told and have read that chemo can extend their lifespan to 6 to 9 months. Only 10% with dogs with hemangioscarcoma survive past 1 year. As you can imagine, this breaks our hearts. We had been "preparing" for Bocci to pass on as she is 12 and not in the best shape. It's obvious our Bocci has not missed a meal :) and has bad knees and hips. However, never in a million years did we think our Bailey would be living on borrowed time. At the ripe age of 10, she has so much life left in her. With the exception of the grey around her face, you would never know she was a decade. Her sassy spunk reminds me of a puppy.

I've likely exceeded the recommended number of words for a blog entry - so will continue later with stories of Bailey and the news of her biopsy. We have a meeting with the Oncologist on Friday and understand chemo is a very good option as dogs do not experience the same side effects as humans. We're told they go in and out of the building wagging their tails and are happy as can be. This picture was taken a few hours after Bailey arrived home from the hospital.

My one hope is to be writing this blog a year from now - sharing funny stories of a healthy Bailey who is still blessing us with her presence. Please God, hear my plea and let us keep this precious girl for as long as possible. She is after all, my Soul Dog.