Bocci Girl

We are so lucky to have our Bocci girl. She is sweet, laid back and low maintenance - except for when it comes to food - our Bocci likes to eat!

I noticed Bocci first looking for Bailey the night of her passing. Bocci seemed a bit nervous and went from room to room looking for her sister. Bocci and Bailey were never super close, but it was obvious that they loved one another. One of my favorite things was when they would lick each other on the top of the head - so sweet.

I also noticed Bocci looking for Bailey on Sunday when I returned from a hike to Bailey's special spot. I walked in the door and Bocci looked up at me - she immediately looked down (doggie level) and stared into the garage...I know she was waiting for Bailey to walk in. It broke my heart. I knelt down and told Bocci that her sister was not coming home. Deep down, I think she understood.

The three of us are adjusting to the emptiness we feel without Bailey.

Here is a picture of Bocci and Bailey from 2007 - Bailey is on the left and Bocci on the right.

Humans in Furry Clothes

Fair warning, this is not going to be a pretty or a positive post. It's early morning and what used to be my favorite time of day is now ugly and dark. If you've ever had an incredibly unique and undefinable bond with a fur baby, you may understand the stage of grief I am experiencing right now. If you happen to not be an animal person or look at them as just that - animals - then you may want to skip over this entry.

We've thought about having human kids several times, but it's just never happened. I hope some day it does so I can feel the joy of a child's love. Even if we are so lucky, Bocci, Bailey, Basil and any other puppy that comes into our life will always be thought of as our children. Perhaps it is the way I was raised with my sweet black lab, Susie Q. I remember throwing her birthday parties with several old friends from Facebook. We all treated Susie like she was a little sister. Gosh I miss her.

In our house and in my mind - dogs are equal to humans. Perhaps it's the unconditional love we receive - the non-judgmental, 'I'm always gonna love you' outlook of a pup. I've talked with people who feel that it's not normal to love an animal that much - and that's ok - we are all entitled to our own opinions....I just feel sorry for them as they are missing out on one of the greatest things in life.

I don't know where I'm going with this - I guess I'm rambling. I miss everything about Bailey and have enough marbles left to realize the roller coaster of emotions is me dealing with the loss of my baby girl. One minute I'm ok - the next I'm super sad - then angry - then I'm in tears on the floor. I've started reading a book that will hopefully help.

Oddly, I feel a bit better than when I started this post...this blog really does help. Thanks to anyone who makes it through my crazy, rambling thoughts.

Ok - so I'm going to try and end on a positive note. Tomorrow we bring home sweet Basil - ha, I like that, 'Sweet Basil'. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and holding her tight. She, nor anything else, will ever replace my Bailey - it's just not possible. But, I'm going to love that little Basil and give her a wonderful life. I hope she is ready to be spoiled rotten.

Baileyism
Bailey was never shy about hiding her emotions. If she was excited, you could hear it - if she was sad, you could see it...I guess she takes after me in that way. This video was taken last week - less than 3 days before she passed. She had some much life left to live - so much love left to give. I miss you Bailey.

Our Special Place

The hours following Bailey's passing are a blur. Looking back, I realize I was in shock when we left the Emergency Clinic. Nothing seemed real - it's as if I did not believe she was gone and I was convinced I would see her again later in the day. I remember feeling fine and thinking about what we were going to do for the day. Would we go shopping or look at houses - my thoughts were that of a typical Saturday. In fact, I'm not really sure when it finally "hit" me that Bailey was gone.

Once we got home, I went into extreme focus mode and gathered a few items. I packed two candles, two pictures of Bailey and I (each with a few hairs from her tail), matches, slimy baby and water - then quickly left the house. My first stop was our new home site. I sat in the doorway of our family room where Bailey and I often hung out watching the sunset. I lit the candle and setup her photo - slimy baby was close. Perhaps that is where I first realized that she was gone as I remember being angry at God for taking her from me. My mom and I battle about those feelings - she says I should never be mad at God. I say, my feelings are my feelings and I can't control that line of thinking. I was, and still am, very, very angry. I perched our picture and the candle in a safe spot by the pool - looking out the direction we stared just a week prior.

My second stop was Las Sendas Mountain where Bailey and I used to hike. I went about 1/2 way up the mountain and found a private spot with a great view of the valley. This will be my special place to connect with Bailey. A place that I can bring her gifts, write to her and tell her stories. Our picture and candle are secure under a big overhanging rock - as if it was made to house Bailey's mementos. I went back to our spot on Sunday and spent a few hours. I find peace there and enjoy bringing her gifts. I hung a dream catcher by the rock...I used to wake Bailey when she was having nightmares and tell her it was ok - now the dream catcher will take over.

The emptiness I feel is immense - I still can't believe that my baby is gone.

A view from Bailey's spot:

A Lifetime Wish

Bailey - you've only been gone 75 hours and 25 minutes, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I want so much to hold you tight and see your beautiful smile.

To My Bailey Girl:
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday with you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I've tried.
Neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too
But I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
Author - Unknown

Our special friend, Mareike, has this same poem dedicated to her beloved Sparky who passed two months ago. Please give Sparky a hug for me.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you....it was taken several months before you got sick....in typical Bailey style, you were craving attention and likely trying to talk me into taking you for a walk.


I hope you are safe and I hope you know how much you are loved. I feel bad that I'm not there to take care of you. I'd give anything to have you back with me. I miss you so much.

One More Sunset

I took this picture from the new house on the night of Bailey's passing. It was such a beautiful day and this picture does not do the sunset justice. I hope she was able to see if from her resting place.

What to say?

I'm not sure what I should be writing. A million thoughts are racing through my mind and I'm having a really tough time keeping it together. I hope writing here will help. I also wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of notes, phone calls and gestures. Each one helps take a bit of the sting away. Although I don't have the strength to respond to you right now, please know that I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. I'm not going to hide it, they are much needed - so don't give up on me. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be amazingly hard, but the reality and the finality of it has brought me to my knees.

Bailey - I love you so much. I miss you so much. I know that mornings are going to be the hardest. Mornings were extra special to us. I'd wake and come to the family room to do some work...about 4 to 5 minutes would go by and you would realize I left the bedroom. You'd then do a sleepy prance down the hall - looking at me, wagging your tail and holding a big smile. I would say, "Good morning cutie, cute pea" or "Hi, sugar-pie plum" and you would come to me and put your head on my lap for some love and attention. You would then lay at my feet or jump up on the couch beside me. It was our time - no one in the house was awake....just you and me. I keep looking down the hallway for you to come, but you are not there. I miss our morning conversation. I'd tell you what we were going to do for the day and you would look at me with those big, brown beautiful eyes. I swear it was a two-way conversation.

I want you back - I need you back. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm mad, I'm confused - but most of all, I'm empty.

A note to friends and followers of Bailey's Blog:
I want to apologize in advance as I'm certain many of my future posts will be rambling thoughts. This blog is an outlet for me - a place where I can go and be close to Bailey, remember her, talk to her, and carry on her existence. I will get back to the Baileyisms and the photos - there are so many more to share. I just don't have the strength right now.

Rest in Peace our Beautiful Puppy

Our sweet Bailey girl was laid to rest this morning at 5:15am. She put up a terrific fight the past three months and now she is peacefully waiting for us to join her.

I just can't believe that she is gone. She is my best friend, my SoulDog. I cherish the ten amazing years that she gave me and her presence will always be part of me.

I love you Bailey girl.