Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween! I can't believe how fast this year has gone by - Christmas will be here before we know it. Today is another Tally-wacker day. BTW - I did not realize what Tally-wacker meant until a dear friend pointed it out...whoops! I'm still keeping it as my safe word!

Here are a couple of fun pictures. The first is of Bocci and Bailey a year ago today. The next is of our new baby, Basil, snuggled up to Bocci. Basil has been a true joy and has kept us busy. I'll write more about her later as we're off to the granite place to pick out slabs for the new house.

One Week Today

This past week has been the worst seven days of my life. I don't really know how to explain the heartache, the emptiness. Bailey was so much of my day - so much of my life.

Joe phoned Wednesday morning and said, "VCA called, Bailey is ready to come home." For several seconds I thought she was still alive - that I had been in a nightmare for several days and she was okay. Then reality set in and I broke down. I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that just yet. The thought that my baby is condensed to a box is agonizing. I couldn't bring myself to go with Joe to pick up her ashes so he went alone. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. When Joe arrived home and set the box in my hands, I felt numb. I didn't know if I should be happy to be holding her or in pieces because the reality was right there on the box - "This holds the cremated remains of Bailey Werba. Date of Cremation: October 23, 2009."

I'd rather move on - I thought writing about it would help, but it doesn't this time. So "Tally-wacker"...that is my safe word. It's the word I use when starting a conversation with friends...it means I want to talk about everything, but Bailey. It means my heart is hurting and I can't say the words or talk about my girl. I'm not sure why I picked the word Tally-wacker, perhaps because it is one of those funny words to say like lollipop, freckle and wiener.

I need to Tally-wacker for the rest of this post. It's cold in AZ this week - good timing with Halloween around the corner...reminds me of fall back in the Midwest.

Bocci Girl

We are so lucky to have our Bocci girl. She is sweet, laid back and low maintenance - except for when it comes to food - our Bocci likes to eat!

I noticed Bocci first looking for Bailey the night of her passing. Bocci seemed a bit nervous and went from room to room looking for her sister. Bocci and Bailey were never super close, but it was obvious that they loved one another. One of my favorite things was when they would lick each other on the top of the head - so sweet.

I also noticed Bocci looking for Bailey on Sunday when I returned from a hike to Bailey's special spot. I walked in the door and Bocci looked up at me - she immediately looked down (doggie level) and stared into the garage...I know she was waiting for Bailey to walk in. It broke my heart. I knelt down and told Bocci that her sister was not coming home. Deep down, I think she understood.

The three of us are adjusting to the emptiness we feel without Bailey.

Here is a picture of Bocci and Bailey from 2007 - Bailey is on the left and Bocci on the right.

Humans in Furry Clothes

Fair warning, this is not going to be a pretty or a positive post. It's early morning and what used to be my favorite time of day is now ugly and dark. If you've ever had an incredibly unique and undefinable bond with a fur baby, you may understand the stage of grief I am experiencing right now. If you happen to not be an animal person or look at them as just that - animals - then you may want to skip over this entry.

We've thought about having human kids several times, but it's just never happened. I hope some day it does so I can feel the joy of a child's love. Even if we are so lucky, Bocci, Bailey, Basil and any other puppy that comes into our life will always be thought of as our children. Perhaps it is the way I was raised with my sweet black lab, Susie Q. I remember throwing her birthday parties with several old friends from Facebook. We all treated Susie like she was a little sister. Gosh I miss her.

In our house and in my mind - dogs are equal to humans. Perhaps it's the unconditional love we receive - the non-judgmental, 'I'm always gonna love you' outlook of a pup. I've talked with people who feel that it's not normal to love an animal that much - and that's ok - we are all entitled to our own opinions....I just feel sorry for them as they are missing out on one of the greatest things in life.

I don't know where I'm going with this - I guess I'm rambling. I miss everything about Bailey and have enough marbles left to realize the roller coaster of emotions is me dealing with the loss of my baby girl. One minute I'm ok - the next I'm super sad - then angry - then I'm in tears on the floor. I've started reading a book that will hopefully help.

Oddly, I feel a bit better than when I started this post...this blog really does help. Thanks to anyone who makes it through my crazy, rambling thoughts.

Ok - so I'm going to try and end on a positive note. Tomorrow we bring home sweet Basil - ha, I like that, 'Sweet Basil'. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and holding her tight. She, nor anything else, will ever replace my Bailey - it's just not possible. But, I'm going to love that little Basil and give her a wonderful life. I hope she is ready to be spoiled rotten.

Baileyism
Bailey was never shy about hiding her emotions. If she was excited, you could hear it - if she was sad, you could see it...I guess she takes after me in that way. This video was taken last week - less than 3 days before she passed. She had some much life left to live - so much love left to give. I miss you Bailey.

Our Special Place

The hours following Bailey's passing are a blur. Looking back, I realize I was in shock when we left the Emergency Clinic. Nothing seemed real - it's as if I did not believe she was gone and I was convinced I would see her again later in the day. I remember feeling fine and thinking about what we were going to do for the day. Would we go shopping or look at houses - my thoughts were that of a typical Saturday. In fact, I'm not really sure when it finally "hit" me that Bailey was gone.

Once we got home, I went into extreme focus mode and gathered a few items. I packed two candles, two pictures of Bailey and I (each with a few hairs from her tail), matches, slimy baby and water - then quickly left the house. My first stop was our new home site. I sat in the doorway of our family room where Bailey and I often hung out watching the sunset. I lit the candle and setup her photo - slimy baby was close. Perhaps that is where I first realized that she was gone as I remember being angry at God for taking her from me. My mom and I battle about those feelings - she says I should never be mad at God. I say, my feelings are my feelings and I can't control that line of thinking. I was, and still am, very, very angry. I perched our picture and the candle in a safe spot by the pool - looking out the direction we stared just a week prior.

My second stop was Las Sendas Mountain where Bailey and I used to hike. I went about 1/2 way up the mountain and found a private spot with a great view of the valley. This will be my special place to connect with Bailey. A place that I can bring her gifts, write to her and tell her stories. Our picture and candle are secure under a big overhanging rock - as if it was made to house Bailey's mementos. I went back to our spot on Sunday and spent a few hours. I find peace there and enjoy bringing her gifts. I hung a dream catcher by the rock...I used to wake Bailey when she was having nightmares and tell her it was ok - now the dream catcher will take over.

The emptiness I feel is immense - I still can't believe that my baby is gone.

A view from Bailey's spot:

A Lifetime Wish

Bailey - you've only been gone 75 hours and 25 minutes, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I want so much to hold you tight and see your beautiful smile.

To My Bailey Girl:
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday with you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I've tried.
Neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too
But I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
Author - Unknown

Our special friend, Mareike, has this same poem dedicated to her beloved Sparky who passed two months ago. Please give Sparky a hug for me.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you....it was taken several months before you got sick....in typical Bailey style, you were craving attention and likely trying to talk me into taking you for a walk.


I hope you are safe and I hope you know how much you are loved. I feel bad that I'm not there to take care of you. I'd give anything to have you back with me. I miss you so much.

One More Sunset

I took this picture from the new house on the night of Bailey's passing. It was such a beautiful day and this picture does not do the sunset justice. I hope she was able to see if from her resting place.

What to say?

I'm not sure what I should be writing. A million thoughts are racing through my mind and I'm having a really tough time keeping it together. I hope writing here will help. I also wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of notes, phone calls and gestures. Each one helps take a bit of the sting away. Although I don't have the strength to respond to you right now, please know that I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. I'm not going to hide it, they are much needed - so don't give up on me. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be amazingly hard, but the reality and the finality of it has brought me to my knees.

Bailey - I love you so much. I miss you so much. I know that mornings are going to be the hardest. Mornings were extra special to us. I'd wake and come to the family room to do some work...about 4 to 5 minutes would go by and you would realize I left the bedroom. You'd then do a sleepy prance down the hall - looking at me, wagging your tail and holding a big smile. I would say, "Good morning cutie, cute pea" or "Hi, sugar-pie plum" and you would come to me and put your head on my lap for some love and attention. You would then lay at my feet or jump up on the couch beside me. It was our time - no one in the house was awake....just you and me. I keep looking down the hallway for you to come, but you are not there. I miss our morning conversation. I'd tell you what we were going to do for the day and you would look at me with those big, brown beautiful eyes. I swear it was a two-way conversation.

I want you back - I need you back. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm mad, I'm confused - but most of all, I'm empty.

A note to friends and followers of Bailey's Blog:
I want to apologize in advance as I'm certain many of my future posts will be rambling thoughts. This blog is an outlet for me - a place where I can go and be close to Bailey, remember her, talk to her, and carry on her existence. I will get back to the Baileyisms and the photos - there are so many more to share. I just don't have the strength right now.

Rest in Peace our Beautiful Puppy

Our sweet Bailey girl was laid to rest this morning at 5:15am. She put up a terrific fight the past three months and now she is peacefully waiting for us to join her.

I just can't believe that she is gone. She is my best friend, my SoulDog. I cherish the ten amazing years that she gave me and her presence will always be part of me.

I love you Bailey girl.

Loving Life

Bailey has had two fabulous days! She seems super happy and although not to the level of two weeks ago, she has a decent amount of energy. We've enjoyed a few walks and hanging in the back yard with the cooler weather.

The one odd thing is her appetite. She has become very finicky where one day she loves her food and the next she is spitting it out.

For now, we are holding off on the oral chemo. I left a message for the oncologist today as she just returned from a Canine Cancer workshop. Perhaps she learned of something to help Bailey - could we be so lucky?? In the meantime, her meds include the Yunnan, K9 Immunity and tons of TLC from Joe and I.

Baileyism
Once in awhile, Bailey makes weird smacking noises with her lips...and I love it. Joe pegged it perfectly - if anyone else made those sounds I would be crawling on the ceiling...but since it's Bailey, I find it cute. So true!

I found this video from a few weeks ago. Miss Bailey was having a fit because she wanted to go on a walk while Bocci was reminding me that breakfast was way overdue.

Bitter Sweet Day

We took a drive to Wilcoxx (4 hrs south of Phoenix) yesterday to see Bailey's breeder and meet her sister, Twilight. Twilight is about 3 years younger than Bailey and shares the same mom. She had a litter of four puppies 4 weeks ago - 3 females and one male. The breeder is keeping the darkest female and since Joe and I are looking for a girl pup, we had two to choose from. What a challenge!! They were both so very cute and seemed to have similar personalities. The red collared puppy liked to snuggle and crawled on my lap twice for a nap. She also rested her head (just as Bailey does) on my arm. The black collared pup was fun to watch - especially when she did a tuck and roll down the hill. After nearly 2 hours, we decided to take the collars off and the breeder marked the inside ear (red on one - black on the other) to know who was who. We played a bit then set them side by side for a race to see who would come to us first. The pup with the black dot in her ear came running so she is now our little Basil. What an ordeal! I wanted them both, but Joe shot me down. :(

This comes to both of us as a very bitter sweet day. Our hearts are breaking for Bailey knowing that she has such limited time left. We would give anything to keep her with us and as much as others would be opposed, I would pay a boatload to have her cloned. No dog, no person, no one thing will ever be able to replace Bailey's place in my heart. I will certainly love Basil and any other animal that enters my life, but it will never be the same.

I have to admit, I've had a lot of guilt lately as I know Bocci is not getting much attention. The thing with Bocci, though, is she does not crave attention like Bailey. The most important thing to Bocci is food - and while we laugh and lovingly call her "slim" - it truly is all she thinks about. During the day, Bocci is outside or tucked in a corner and doesn't interact a ton...unless she hears someone in the kitchen. Bailey, on the other hand, is by my side 100% of the time. If I move to the laundry room to change a load...there she is...Perhaps that is why I love her so much - we are each other's favorite thing. :)

Baileyism
While some will argue otherwise, I think dogs have a fantastic memory. Bailey knows the way to the house we are building, grandma's place, the park, etc. Whenever we get close to any of her favorite hangouts, she gets this incredibly high-pitched whimper. Cracks me up every time.

Here is a picture of Bailey and her new little sister, Basil.

Update on Bailey

Thank you for the outpouring of support over the past few days. Much needed and appreciated! I had a day trip to Colorado Springs for work yesterday so my wonderful sister came to the house to be with the girls. Thank you Sissy! While I'm sure they would have been fine, the peace of mind meant the world to me.

Overall, Bailey seems to be feeling good. She was prancing around the yard this morning and I can tell she wants to go for a w-a-l-k (note - I'm spelling out that 'word' as I read her every blog post and she'll go crazy if she thinks it's leash time). Thank God she has a good demeanor - It seems like I check her gum color and abdomen every 10 minutes.

I talked with the vet yesterday as I'm really torn about the oral chemo. We have not started it yet - and I'm not sure that we will. Oddly, Joe and I have uncharacteristic views about the treatment. He feels we should do the chemo and deep down, I feel we should toss it to the side. Neither of us is right nor wrong and we both have Bailey's best interest in mind. As a pro for the chemo, there is a chance that it could help stop/slow down the cancer growth. As a con, it may make her sick. Both sides could be debated back and forth and for now, we have decided to hold off doing anything until Sunday. Why Sunday? It will give Bailey a chance to recover from her bleed and get her GI tract back on track (no pun intended). Also, our Oncologist will be at a training seminar from Friday - Monday so not as available should we have any concerns with the chemo.

**Ok - just did a proof of the blog thus far and now I'm feeling like maybe we should start the chemo...ugh, this is no easy decision.**

Baileyism
Bailey has always been a bit of a dare devil. Her first experience with presumed 'super doggie powers' came as a pup when I was teaching her to swim. I bought this life jacket which I think Bailey mistook for a flying cape as should would jump off the boulders into the pool. Somewhere in our moving boxes I have the video and will share at a later date. In the meantime, just visualize this crazy girl running and jumping off boulders 10x her size.

Bad, bad news

We've just returned from the vet where we received horrible news. The cancer has spread to Bailey's liver and she has at least two masses - the largest is about the size of a silver dollar. At least one of the masses is leaking as she has blood in her belly. My heart is breaking. I have feared this day for 2 and 1/2 months knowing that someday the cancer would rear it's ugly head. I am feeling so many emotions from complete sadness to anger to disbelief. She has been doing so good....I just don't understand. Last week she was sprinting out the door - Saturday she was leading the way on our hike. Now this.

I'm so distraught - we tried to do everything right. She loves life so much it's just not fair to take her away from this world- away from me. Just yesterday, I was laying in bed with her holding paws (it's one of our things) and I was telling her that I needed her to be here with me when the big 4-0 hits next April. I was telling her about all the fun things we would be doing between now and then from bringing home her new baby sister to the parents coming for a visit and the upcoming holidays. I also told her I needed her to be in the new house so I could "feel" her presence even when she was gone. What am I going to do. The thought of losing her brings me to the floor.

I was waiting to share this news at a later date, but now may be the time. We put down a deposit for another puppy about 6 weeks ago. One of Bailey's younger siblings (same mom and dad as Bailey - but younger litter) had puppies a few weeks ago. We are to pick out the puppy on Halloween and planned to take Bailey with us to help make the choice. We wanted Bailey to help raise the puppy and teach her all of the silly things - like showtime and prancy prance. We have a name all set - Basil - as the first syllable is similar to Bailey. This is tough. Now that we know Bailey's time is limited (we are praying for a month), I don't want to take one ounce of attention away from her. At the same time, I want Basil to pick up Bailey's habit of following me from room to room...and a million other things.

As for Bailey's treatment, we did not do chemo today. It's obvious the Dox is not working for her so now need to put her through the dosage. We have upped her intake of Yunnan (pill that stops bleeding) and will start her on oral chemo tomorrow. The oral chemo is from France and considered experimental for Bailey's type of cancer (it does well for mass cell tumors). It is supposed to be easy on the GI tract with minimal side effects. If she has bad side effects, we will stop all together, but feel it's important to give this one last try.

Here is a picture from the vet today with Joe and I holding Bailey's paws before the ultrasound. Please keep her in your prayers.


Baileyism
Bailey is so gentle with other dogs. Regardless of the size, she will lay down flat on the ground and roll over to a submissive position. While this may be typical when meeting a big dog, it's comical to see Bailey do this when running into a chiwawa. I wish I would of had the video camera a few weeks ago when Bailey scooted for 5 feet (while laying flat on the floor) to say hi to a wiener dog. It is truly priceless. Here is a picture from Bailey and a new friend - note Bailey's typical position. One other funny thing, Bailey is submissive with other dogs, but not Bocci -no way. In this house, Bailey is the Alpba dog followed by Joe or I then Bocci.

Scare of a Potential Bleed

Bailey has been doing fabulous until last night. Typically, she greets us at the door, runs to the bed, and performs showtime - but not last night. She would not eat dinner and hid behind the table. I immediately checked her gums and found them to be very pale - a common sign of an internal bleed. We checked her abdomen, but did not see any bloating (good sign) and her temp was normal. I gave her a Yunnan pill which is supposed to stop any bleeding.

The only other thing I can think of causing the odd behavior is arthritis pain. She had a busy weekend with the hike and a few trips to the new house. She also took a spill when jumping out of Joe's SUV. Arthritis pain comes to mind as she kept licking her upper arms (where they connect to the torso). While I could see pain affecting her appetite, it still does not explain the pale gums.

I may get an ultrasound done this morning, but have mixed emotions as I don't know that I can take bad news. She has been doing so good and this brings back all the worries of losing her. I can't imagine my live without Bailey. I pray this is just a fluke and that I'm overreacting. She ate a little breakfast and seems happier today - but is not at the vibrant level as the past few weeks.

Round Four - Tomorrow Morning

I have mixed emotions about Bailey's chemo treatment tomorrow. The last round went very well, but it was on a lower dosage. I'm not sure if they will increase to normal settings tomorrow or keep with the smaller amount of Dox. I certainly want the drug to do its thing, but don't want Bailey to react like the first two rounds. Either way, we will definitely do the pre-treatment and start her on stomach meds right away.

We took Bailey on a hike yesterday (see pic) - or wait - maybe it was the other way around. I'm a worrywart so we turned around after 1.5 miles....she wanted to keep going! I'll take her to the park this morning for a run in the grass.

Okay - this paragraph is for other doggies with hemangiosarcoma...friends may want to skip over. While Bailey's attitude and energy level are amazing, she still has diarrhea - no fun. It's been going on for almost a month - even with a full prescription of Metronizadol (sp). I'll ask the doc about it tomorrow and report back with any findings. She's been on the same diet for weeks with the Evo Low Fat/non-grain kibble. We also mix in about 1/4 can of the Evo wet food. Her pills are the same with 6 K9 Immunity, 4 Yunnan and 2 Probiotic. Once in a while we mix in cooked egg. I need to introduce other foods that promote blood growth (liver, etc.), but kept her diet consistent for a few weeks to see if the diarrhea would disappear. Since it's still present, I may as well add the other ingredients.

Baileyism
Bailey likes to smell my eyes. I've never had another dog do that, and as far as I know, she does not do that to anyone else. Should I have a complex? Do I have stinky eyes?

Like the Energizer Bunny

Bailey girl is doing fabulous! She has five days left before her fourth treatment and to see her today, you would have no idea she was going through chemo. She was kind enough to take me on a walk this morning...I opened the door and out she ran with me trailing behind. Who needs a treadmill when you are tethered to a rambunctious Golden!

One thing is for sure, Bailey has far more energy than previous weeks. I'm starting to wonder if it's from the K9 Immunity pills as we have not changed anything else in her diet or routine. She started the supplement about 3 weeks ago and it's said to kick in around day fourteen. A few weeks ago, she would tire easy and was not her peppy self. Now, she is at the same energy level as a year ago - way before the cancer reared its ugly head.

Baileyism
One of my favorites stories to tell is about the day that Bailey and I first met. She was part of a big litter and the breeder met me in Casa Grande - about 1/2 way for both of us. I had 6 female pups to pick from which was no easy task. Thank God the breeder was patient while I spent an hour playing with the puppies. I finally narrowed it down to 3 and placed ribbons around their necks to keep track of my favorites. I remember asking the man upstairs to help me pick the best...to give me some kind of a sign. All of a sudden, Bailey ran over to her 'first mom', latched on, flipped on her back, and started nursing. It was so comical to watch her as it seemed like such a sassy and spontaneous move. I've been a sucker for her ever since and these pics are from our first day.