Thanksgiving

As expected, today was a tough day without Bailey. I found a bit of relief in hiking to her special spot on Las Sendas mountain. While there, I decided to write about 10 things I am thankful for this year.

1. The 10 amazing years that Bailey and I had together.
2. My family and the closeness we share. I'm especially grateful for the health of my parents who are both approaching 80. I'm fortunate to be able to spend several months with them while they winter here in Arizona.
3. Werbee (aka Joe)- he is one of the kindest people I know and obviously patient as he puts up with me!
4. Bocci and Basil - they warm my heart every day.
5. My fantastic friends - I would not have made it thru the past several months without their support and encouragement.
6. Two month countdown- our home is finally nearly completion and we're very excited to be moving in the end of January.
7. Dessert - life would be so boring without my cakey sweets.
8. My career - I love the hospitality industry and work for a fabulous company.
9. My Blackberry - enough said!
10. I am most thankful for the gift of 90 days to show Bailey every ounce of love that she deserved. Most would not be so lucky and would have lost their beloved pet on the table, but we were given 3 months to celebrate her life.

Okay - like everyone, I overdosed on food and feel a crash coming. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

One Month Today

I wanted to acknowledge today then call, "tally-wacker" as I just can't talk about it.

Time

I can't believe its been 4 weeks. It feels like forever since I had Bailey by my side - at the same time, it doesn't seem real. I keep hoping that I'm having a nightmare and will soon wake to have everything be okay. Bailey brought an incredible amount of joy to my life and I hope she knows how much she is missed.

We received a card from the Oncologist this week with the Rainbow Bridge Poem and another saying I have never heard, but now hold near and dear.

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives
Even more temporary than our own,
Live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.

Unable to accept its awful gaps,
We still would live no other way.

We cherish memories as the only certain immortality,
Never fully understanding the necessary plan...."

~Irving Townsend


My girlfriend, Marnie, with Crescendo Photography took this picture 5 weeks ago today. It's hard to believe that Bailey passed just one week later - she looks so pretty.

Some Scars Are Good

Here I am again - my typing outlet - a place I can go and be sad, vent and ramble about how empty I feel.

I went to Bailey's special spot on Las Sendas mountain today. The weather was perfect - just as Bailey would like. In typical style, the tears flow as I'm climbing to our spot, but once there...once I round the tree and see Bailey's picture under the big rock awning, a feeling of peace sets in.

Today, I wrote in my sacred journal - the one where I talk directly with Bailey and tell her everything that is on my mind. It helps - if only for a moment, to pretend that she is sitting there with me...looking over the rooftops and to the horizon. I wonder how she is doing? I still struggle with wrapping my arms around her locale. Is she here with me now - sitting on the bed as we did every night for 10 years or has she merely turned to ash and simply in a white box on my mantle? Speaking of that, I have not been able to order a special urn for Bailey - truth be known, I avoid most any conversation about her right now - it just hurts too much.

One story of inspiration...an old friend sent me a note (you know who you are - it's our secret) explaining that she never "got" the whole dog thing and how someone could love, or for that matter, be heartbroken to loose a pup. Long story short, she met a dog that opened her heart to the unconditional and unique bond between canines and their humans. She explained that she now understands how one could love a dog so deeply. Her email helped to brighten my gloomy day - thanks Blue!

Baileyism
Like most goldens, Bailey loved the outdoors and she managed to talk us into going to Payson for a hike this past June. The trip was long before we knew she was sick, so our time was spent worry-free as we watched Bailey swim in the creek and hike along the trail. I imagine her hike was twice as long as ours as every 5 minutes she would run up ahead then hurry back to make sure we were on our way. BTW - while on this hike, I got a bad gash on my knee (note to self - do not attempt to answer Blackberry emails while climbing over huge logs). I later posted a note on FB asking for input on how to keep from getting a scar as the last thing I wanted was another battle wound. Well, the scar is still on my knee and ironically, it is my favorite scar as it reminds me of happy times with Bailey. Here is a picture and quick video from our trip.

A Nice Surprise

Hmmmm - I've been staring at this blank page for awhile and not sure how to begin. How about this...never mind, I deleted everything I just typed about my stage of depression...blah.

My folks were up this past weekend to spend time with us and the new puppy. Truth be known, I think it was about Basil, not us! Nevertheless, we woke early Saturday morning to take my dad shopping at his favorite spot - the neighborhood garage sale. It was about 7:15am when we pulled out of the driveway and up above...looking absolutely amazing, was a huge rainbow. I stopped the car and got out to stare. Ironically, the rainbow was positioned as if it was coming right out of the mountain that Bailey and I hiked several times a week. Rainbows are rare in AZ - especially in the morning and even more so, coming directly from one of Bailey's favorite spots. The rainbow lasted at least 25 minutes which is also rare. At times, we could even see a double rainbow!

I've been having major trouble lately with bouts of overwhelming sadness, yet the rainbow actual made me smile. What a good feeling.

Secret Sign

I’m just returning from a trip to NYC for work. It was great to see industry friends and catch up on old times. I was hoping my sadness of Bailey’s passing would not be obvious – that I would be able to put on a happy face and respond to the common question, “how are things” without tearing up. I succeeded with those who I know on a casual basis, but failed with those who know me well. While I wasn’t able to talk about Bailey, I’m sure they knew something was wrong.

I’m in the midst of reading a book by Allison DuBois called, ‘We are their Heaven.’ I’ve always carried a lot of respect for Allison as she seems to be the real thing. Like many, I have thrown money at Psychics/Mediums in the past – primarily for questions about where my life was heading. A few were right on the money with specifics that made me believe. Others, including a “pet communicator” from Ohio who I spoke with two weeks ago, seem to be complete scammers.

A few things have happened since Bailey’s passing that could be interpreted as signs of her visiting me. I’ve gone back and forth on whether they are real or just my imagination…I worry that my overwhelming sadness or my desperate need to feel her presence could be playing tricks on me. I asked (actually begged) Bailey in her last days to be sure and give me signs after she was gone – to show me in some way that she was with me. I asked her to steal ‘mama’s baby’ (a small, stuffed dog I received from Joe a few years ago) and hide it under the bed – just like she used to do. I gave her several ideas that were special between the two of us so I would REALLY know she was around. I have not seen any of my suggested signs, but have one other in particular that sticks out.

The 24 hours leading up to Bailey’s passing are far too painful for me to discuss. But one thing happened after she was laid to rest that is important to associate with my first possible sign. In the moments following Bailey’s passing, I put my face on her neck to hug her and feel her soft fur. Oddly, her neck area was extremely warm – almost hot to the touch and something I have never experienced before. I recall telling Joe that I felt heat radiating off of her – as if a heating pad had been placed on her neck. I found peace in that feeling of heat, but thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I was heading up our old hiking trail to find Bailey’s special spot. Many will find this odd – and that is ok – but I carried Slimy Baby with me on that hike and every trek since. About half way up the mountain, I felt a strong, radiating heat from my right side where I was carrying Slimy Baby. At first, I chalked it up to the stuffed animal being next to my shirt. The heat sensation lasted for about a minute. Later, it occurred to me that the radiating heat went away almost as quickly as it appeared. Had the heat come from Slimy Baby as I first thought, then wouldn’t it have stayed the remainder of the hike (about 20 more minutes)? Why did it come and go so quickly? Keeping in mind that I was likely still in shock, I don’t think I was “looking” for signs yet. I may never know if that was Bailey or a pure coincidence, but I sure hope it was her. I’ve had a few other possible signs that I will keep private for now, hoping to get confirmation at some point that Bailey was/is with me. When I do, I’ll be sure to share.

Many years ago, my Mom and I came up with a secret word – so that if one of us passed, we could speak with a Medium and know that the other was there. Joe and I also have a secret word and I’d suggest to others to do the same…just in case there is a way to send through special messages from beyond.

Baileyism
Bailey liked to tease me as much as I did her. One of her games was to steal my stuffed animal which we referred to as "mama's baby." Her method was hilarious as she would slowly take the baby off the shelf and tiptoe into the bedroom to hide the stuffed toy. As part of our routine, I would then chase her and say, "that's mama's baby - you give that back!". If I was slow to react, she would prance with mama's baby through the house and run back into the bedroom...as if to say,"look what I have!!" I'd also catch her peering over the bed with my baby in her mouth - just waiting for me to come tickle her. I miss those games.

Bad Day

It's been two weeks today and I woke this am feeling incredibly empty. I think whats bothering me most is the time line and the memories....I feel like it has been months since I was able to hold my sweet Bailey. I feel like the memories are fading - as if I can't remember what she looked like or smelled like. I don't know if this is part of the grief and a way of protecting myself from the pain....but it just seems like so, so long ago.

I'm also finding it harder to talk about Bailey, her cancer and especially her last two days. I'm hoping these feelings will pass.

Baileyism
Bailey liked to tease Bocci, but it was never the other way around. This picture was from earlier this year - long before Bailey got sick. As if the day (alone) running errands with me and a special bone was not enough...she was determined to rub in in Bocci's face when entering the house...

Faith

I contemplated writing about faith last week, but knew I was in an ugly place so the message would come out distorted. I was raised Catholic and my folks are very religious - especially mom who goes to mass throughout the week and/or watches it on TV. Without getting into a deep conversation, I'll just leave it that I have spent the majority of my life believing in God, Heaven and Angels. I also believed in Spirits coming to visit, but have been torn about reincarnation.

Since Bailey's passing, my beliefs have been challenged to the max - especially last week. I recall driving home from somewhere and screaming at the top of my lungs that I did not believe in anything - not God - not Heaven - nothing. I'm pretty sure I was throwing a tantrum and was hoarse for several hours following. I was in the frame of mind that once you died your body was extinguished and that was it - nothing more. I was definitely in the "anger" stage and was not sure if I would ever come out.

Thanks to a special friend (you know who you are), I was able to calm down and look at things a bit different. This person explained that God was hurt and upset along with me and that it was 'nature' that took Bailey from me - not God. We also talked about the ability for spirits (humans and animals) to visit after they have passed. I'm thankful that I found peace in that conversation and have since been far more calm about Bailey's passing (still can't say the "D" word). I am beyond hurt, sad and miss her every second - but the anger has decreased and my focus has switched to hoping that I see my beautiful Bailey again.

Baileyism
Bailey hated it when I would stand with my arms crossed or my hands on my hips. I suppose she knew that meant trouble. Often, she would bark at me until I'd release the pose and yes, just as many times, I would stand with my arms folded purely to get a rise out of her. She was so much fun to tease! This picture was taken when Bailey was a pup - likely less than a year old. Based on her feet and mouth being covered in mud, I bet the "pose" came out followed by a bark or two.

Sweet Baby Basil

We brought Basil home on Thursday and have enjoyed her every moment. She is best described as sassy, confident and smart. One of my favorite things...her breathing when she is playing - it is short, soft (yet loud), breaths...so cute. I also love how she snuggles up to Bocci - they have bonded quickly and Bocci is SOOO patient...she deserves a Saint award.

We gave Basil her first bath today - she still has the puppy breath which is just fine with me. Here are some pics and video from our first few days together.

Bocci and Basil meet for the first time....the end is the best part:





Basil's house warming gift:




Bocci and Basil in a snuggle:



P.S. I love you Bailey!