Never in a million years did I think that 2009 would be the last time I snuggled Bailey - so tonight is a little bitter sweet.
Baileyism 2005 marked the first NYE that Joe and I were together. We had been dating for 3 1/2 months and opted to stay in for the night, hang with Bocci and Bailey and enjoy a three course fondue meal. We found an awesome bread and placed it on a platter in the family room in preparation for our first course of cheese fondue. Oddly - the bread disappeared. It took us a while to figure it out...thinking...did we put the bread someplace else as there is no way Bocci or Bailey would eat it - they never steal food??? Bocci is outside and Bailey is in the formal room...licking her chops! WHAT! For whatever reason, Bailey felt the bread was hers and she ate the entire loaf. She then became a carbo queen and would go crazy at the smell of fresh baked bread. Such a funny girl!
My heart is heavy today and I'm missing my sweet Bailey girl.
Joe and I talked last night about loving animals - they bring amazing amounts of joy to the world and capture the hearts of many. The unfortunate exchange is having to say goodbye much sooner than desired. Sigh....
Baileyism Dog's have a fascinating internal time clock. I remember my childhood dog, Susie, would wander to the front yard at 3:00 and wait for me to come home from school. Bailey was very much the same as she would wait patiently by the back door for Joe to come home from work. She sure did love her dad! Here is a picture of both Bocci and Bailey stalking the door around 5:30pm in hopes to see their dad.
I was talking with the new vet yesterday at Banfield where Basil was getting a routine vaccination. We got on the subject of Bailey (her picture is hanging in the exam room) and the vet asked what type of cancer she had....my mind went totally blank. I could not think of the type of cancer to save my life. It wasn't until she listed several types and said Hemangiosarcoma that it hit me. So odd - I lived the nightmare of Hemangio for several months and now that Bailey is gone, I've completely blocked it out of my mind. Even writing this note...I went blank trying to recall the name. I suppose it is my mind trying to heal. Baileyism No one will deny - Arizona is beyond hot in the summer. A few years back, I decided to have Bocci and Bailey shaved in hopes to help them keep cool. Five years later, and I cannot stop laughing at these pictures. Bailey doesn't look too bad, but Bocci - OMG. The best part, they were both incredibly shy (almost embarrassed) by their new haircut. That was the first and last time they received a shave job.
Bocci is such a good girl. She is so laid back an easy going - especially when it comes to Bailey and Basil who both need(ed) the spotlight. Bocci has been a Saint with Basil and her crazy puppy habits. While Basil is biting at Bocci to play, Bocci softly turns away and goes about her own business. I wish I had her level of patience!
Baileyism Bailey was an entertainer and was constantly putting on "Showtimes" to keep us laughing. Here is a brief production. The best part, she would always make sure there was an audience and often did an encore performance.
I wish I could say the gloom has gone away. I have not "felt" Bailey's presence for several weeks so now wonder if it was really her or just wishful thinking. I was sharing with a close friend yesterday that the thing I miss most is being Bailey's BFF. Perfect example, we just returned home from being gone for several hours. Bocci and Basil were desperately waiting for us by the door, but primarily because it was dinner time. They both ran in the house, past me, and toward the kitchen. I've been home for quite a while now and neither have come looking for me. If Bailey were here, she would have skipped dinner just to be with me. She would be sitting right here on the bed next to me. I know that sounds silly (and likely pitiful) to many, but think of it as the warmth you feel when you're in a room with someone and know that you're the most important thing to them.
Baileyism This picture speaks to my message above. Bailey and I were each others favorite thing. Here she is snuggled next to me in bed as I surfed the Internet. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again, I'd give anything to have Bailey here with me.
As expected, today was a tough day without Bailey. I found a bit of relief in hiking to her special spot on Las Sendas mountain. While there, I decided to write about 10 things I am thankful for this year.
1. The 10 amazing years that Bailey and I had together. 2. My family and the closeness we share. I'm especially grateful for the health of my parents who are both approaching 80. I'm fortunate to be able to spend several months with them while they winter here in Arizona. 3. Werbee (aka Joe)- he is one of the kindest people I know and obviously patient as he puts up with me! 4. Bocci and Basil - they warm my heart every day. 5. My fantastic friends - I would not have made it thru the past several months without their support and encouragement. 6. Two month countdown- our home is finally nearly completion and we're very excited to be moving in the end of January. 7. Dessert - life would be so boring without my cakey sweets. 8. My career - I love the hospitality industry and work for a fabulous company. 9. My Blackberry - enough said! 10. I am most thankful for the gift of 90 days to show Bailey every ounce of love that she deserved. Most would not be so lucky and would have lost their beloved pet on the table, but we were given 3 months to celebrate her life.
Okay - like everyone, I overdosed on food and feel a crash coming. Happy Thanksgiving to all.
I can't believe its been 4 weeks. It feels like forever since I had Bailey by my side - at the same time, it doesn't seem real. I keep hoping that I'm having a nightmare and will soon wake to have everything be okay. Bailey brought an incredible amount of joy to my life and I hope she knows how much she is missed.
We received a card from the Oncologist this week with the Rainbow Bridge Poem and another saying I have never heard, but now hold near and dear.
"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives Even more temporary than our own, Live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps, We still would live no other way.
We cherish memories as the only certain immortality, Never fully understanding the necessary plan...."
~Irving Townsend
My girlfriend, Marnie, with Crescendo Photography took this picture 5 weeks ago today. It's hard to believe that Bailey passed just one week later - she looks so pretty.
Here I am again - my typing outlet - a place I can go and be sad, vent and ramble about how empty I feel.
I went to Bailey's special spot on Las Sendas mountain today. The weather was perfect - just as Bailey would like. In typical style, the tears flow as I'm climbing to our spot, but once there...once I round the tree and see Bailey's picture under the big rock awning, a feeling of peace sets in.
Today, I wrote in my sacred journal - the one where I talk directly with Bailey and tell her everything that is on my mind. It helps - if only for a moment, to pretend that she is sitting there with me...looking over the rooftops and to the horizon. I wonder how she is doing? I still struggle with wrapping my arms around her locale. Is she here with me now - sitting on the bed as we did every night for 10 years or has she merely turned to ash and simply in a white box on my mantle? Speaking of that, I have not been able to order a special urn for Bailey - truth be known, I avoid most any conversation about her right now - it just hurts too much.
One story of inspiration...an old friend sent me a note (you know who you are - it's our secret) explaining that she never "got" the whole dog thing and how someone could love, or for that matter, be heartbroken to loose a pup. Long story short, she met a dog that opened her heart to the unconditional and unique bond between canines and their humans. She explained that she now understands how one could love a dog so deeply. Her email helped to brighten my gloomy day - thanks Blue!
Baileyism Like most goldens, Bailey loved the outdoors and she managed to talk us into going to Payson for a hike this past June. The trip was long before we knew she was sick, so our time was spent worry-free as we watched Bailey swim in the creek and hike along the trail. I imagine her hike was twice as long as ours as every 5 minutes she would run up ahead then hurry back to make sure we were on our way. BTW - while on this hike, I got a bad gash on my knee (note to self - do not attempt to answer Blackberry emails while climbing over huge logs). I later posted a note on FB asking for input on how to keep from getting a scar as the last thing I wanted was another battle wound. Well, the scar is still on my knee and ironically, it is my favorite scar as it reminds me of happy times with Bailey. Here is a picture and quick video from our trip.
Hmmmm - I've been staring at this blank page for awhile and not sure how to begin. How about this...never mind, I deleted everything I just typed about my stage of depression...blah.
My folks were up this past weekend to spend time with us and the new puppy. Truth be known, I think it was about Basil, not us! Nevertheless, we woke early Saturday morning to take my dad shopping at his favorite spot - the neighborhood garage sale. It was about 7:15am when we pulled out of the driveway and up above...looking absolutely amazing, was a huge rainbow. I stopped the car and got out to stare. Ironically, the rainbow was positioned as if it was coming right out of the mountain that Bailey and I hiked several times a week. Rainbows are rare in AZ - especially in the morning and even more so, coming directly from one of Bailey's favorite spots. The rainbow lasted at least 25 minutes which is also rare. At times, we could even see a double rainbow!
I've been having major trouble lately with bouts of overwhelming sadness, yet the rainbow actual made me smile. What a good feeling.
I’m just returning from a trip to NYC for work.It was great to see industry friends and catch up on old times.I was hoping my sadness of Bailey’s passing would not be obvious – that I would be able to put on a happy face and respond to the common question, “how are things” without tearing up.I succeeded with those who I know on a casual basis, but failed with those who know me well. While I wasn’t able to talk about Bailey, I’m sure they knew something was wrong.
I’m in the midst of reading a book by Allison DuBois called, ‘We are their Heaven.’I’ve always carried a lot of respect for Allison as she seems to be the real thing.Like many, I have thrown money at Psychics/Mediums in the past – primarily for questions about where my life was heading.A few were right on the money with specifics that made me believe.Others, including a “pet communicator” from Ohio who I spoke with two weeks ago, seem to be complete scammers.
A few things have happened since Bailey’s passing that could be interpreted as signs of her visiting me.I’ve gone back and forth on whether they are real or just my imagination…I worry that my overwhelming sadness or my desperate need to feel her presence could be playing tricks on me.I asked (actually begged) Bailey in her last days to be sure and give me signs after she was gone – to show me in some way that she was with me.I asked her to steal ‘mama’s baby’ (a small, stuffed dog I received from Joe a few years ago) and hide it under the bed – just like she used to do.I gave her several ideas that were special between the two of us so I would REALLY know she was around.I have not seen any of my suggested signs, but have one other in particular that sticks out.
The 24 hours leading up to Bailey’s passing are far too painful for me to discuss.But one thing happened after she was laid to rest that is important to associate with my first possible sign.In the moments following Bailey’s passing, I put my face on her neck to hug her and feel her soft fur.Oddly, her neck area was extremely warm – almost hot to the touch and something I have never experienced before.I recall telling Joe that I felt heat radiating off of her – as if a heating pad had been placed on her neck.I found peace in that feeling of heat, but thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I was heading up our old hiking trail to find Bailey’s special spot.Many will find this odd – and that is ok – but I carried Slimy Baby with me on that hike and every trek since.About half way up the mountain, I felt a strong, radiating heat from my right side where I was carrying Slimy Baby.At first, I chalked it up to the stuffed animal being next to my shirt. The heat sensation lasted for about a minute.Later, it occurred to me that the radiating heat went away almost as quickly as it appeared.Had the heat come from Slimy Baby as I first thought, then wouldn’t it have stayed the remainder of the hike (about 20 more minutes)?Why did it come and go so quickly?Keeping in mind that I was likely still in shock, I don’t think I was “looking” for signs yet.I may never know if that was Bailey or a pure coincidence, but I sure hope it was her.I’ve had a few other possible signs that I will keep private for now, hoping to get confirmation at some point that Bailey was/is with me.When I do, I’ll be sure to share.
Many years ago, my Mom and I came up with a secret word – so that if one of us passed, we could speak with a Medium and know that the other was there.Joe and I also have a secret word and I’d suggest to others to do the same…just in case there is a way to send through special messages from beyond.
Baileyism Bailey liked to tease me as much as I did her. One of her games was to steal my stuffed animal which we referred to as "mama's baby." Her method was hilarious as she would slowly take the baby off the shelf and tiptoe into the bedroom to hide the stuffed toy. As part of our routine, I would then chase her and say, "that's mama's baby - you give that back!". If I was slow to react, she would prance with mama's baby through the house and run back into the bedroom...as if to say,"look what I have!!" I'd also catch her peering over the bed with my baby in her mouth - just waiting for me to come tickle her. I miss those games.
It's been two weeks today and I woke this am feeling incredibly empty. I think whats bothering me most is the time line and the memories....I feel like it has been months since I was able to hold my sweet Bailey. I feel like the memories are fading - as if I can't remember what she looked like or smelled like. I don't know if this is part of the grief and a way of protecting myself from the pain....but it just seems like so, so long ago.
I'm also finding it harder to talk about Bailey, her cancer and especially her last two days. I'm hoping these feelings will pass.
Baileyism Bailey liked to tease Bocci, but it was never the other way around. This picture was from earlier this year - long before Bailey got sick. As if the day (alone) running errands with me and a special bone was not enough...she was determined to rub in in Bocci's face when entering the house...
I contemplated writing about faith last week, but knew I was in an ugly place so the message would come out distorted. I was raised Catholic and my folks are very religious - especially mom who goes to mass throughout the week and/or watches it on TV. Without getting into a deep conversation, I'll just leave it that I have spent the majority of my life believing in God, Heaven and Angels. I also believed in Spirits coming to visit, but have been torn about reincarnation.
Since Bailey's passing, my beliefs have been challenged to the max - especially last week. I recall driving home from somewhere and screaming at the top of my lungs that I did not believe in anything - not God - not Heaven - nothing. I'm pretty sure I was throwing a tantrum and was hoarse for several hours following. I was in the frame of mind that once you died your body was extinguished and that was it - nothing more. I was definitely in the "anger" stage and was not sure if I would ever come out.
Thanks to a special friend (you know who you are), I was able to calm down and look at things a bit different. This person explained that God was hurt and upset along with me and that it was 'nature' that took Bailey from me - not God. We also talked about the ability for spirits (humans and animals) to visit after they have passed. I'm thankful that I found peace in that conversation and have since been far more calm about Bailey's passing (still can't say the "D" word). I am beyond hurt, sad and miss her every second - but the anger has decreased and my focus has switched to hoping that I see my beautiful Bailey again.
Baileyism Bailey hated it when I would stand with my arms crossed or my hands on my hips. I suppose she knew that meant trouble. Often, she would bark at me until I'd release the pose and yes, just as many times, I would stand with my arms folded purely to get a rise out of her. She was so much fun to tease! This picture was taken when Bailey was a pup - likely less than a year old. Based on her feet and mouth being covered in mud, I bet the "pose" came out followed by a bark or two.
We brought Basil home on Thursday and have enjoyed her every moment. She is best described as sassy, confident and smart. One of my favorite things...her breathing when she is playing - it is short, soft (yet loud), breaths...so cute. I also love how she snuggles up to Bocci - they have bonded quickly and Bocci is SOOO patient...she deserves a Saint award.
We gave Basil her first bath today - she still has the puppy breath which is just fine with me. Here are some pics and video from our first few days together.
Bocci and Basil meet for the first time....the end is the best part:
Happy Halloween! I can't believe how fast this year has gone by - Christmas will be here before we know it. Today is another Tally-wacker day. BTW - I did not realize what Tally-wacker meant until a dear friend pointed it out...whoops! I'm still keeping it as my safe word!
Here are a couple of fun pictures. The first is of Bocci and Bailey a year ago today. The next is of our new baby, Basil, snuggled up to Bocci. Basil has been a true joy and has kept us busy. I'll write more about her later as we're off to the granite place to pick out slabs for the new house.
This past week has been the worst seven days of my life. I don't really know how to explain the heartache, the emptiness. Bailey was so much of my day - so much of my life.
Joe phoned Wednesday morning and said, "VCA called, Bailey is ready to come home." For several seconds I thought she was still alive - that I had been in a nightmare for several days and she was okay. Then reality set in and I broke down. I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that just yet. The thought that my baby is condensed to a box is agonizing. I couldn't bring myself to go with Joe to pick up her ashes so he went alone. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. When Joe arrived home and set the box in my hands, I felt numb. I didn't know if I should be happy to be holding her or in pieces because the reality was right there on the box - "This holds the cremated remains of Bailey Werba. Date of Cremation: October 23, 2009."
I'd rather move on - I thought writing about it would help, but it doesn't this time. So "Tally-wacker"...that is my safe word. It's the word I use when starting a conversation with friends...it means I want to talk about everything, but Bailey. It means my heart is hurting and I can't say the words or talk about my girl. I'm not sure why I picked the word Tally-wacker, perhaps because it is one of those funny words to say like lollipop, freckle and wiener.
I need to Tally-wacker for the rest of this post. It's cold in AZ this week - good timing with Halloween around the corner...reminds me of fall back in the Midwest.
We are so lucky to have our Bocci girl. She is sweet, laid back and low maintenance - except for when it comes to food - our Bocci likes to eat!
I noticed Bocci first looking for Bailey the night of her passing. Bocci seemed a bit nervous and went from room to room looking for her sister. Bocci and Bailey were never super close, but it was obvious that they loved one another. One of my favorite things was when they would lick each other on the top of the head - so sweet.
I also noticed Bocci looking for Bailey on Sunday when I returned from a hike to Bailey's special spot. I walked in the door and Bocci looked up at me - she immediately looked down (doggie level) and stared into the garage...I know she was waiting for Bailey to walk in. It broke my heart. I knelt down and told Bocci that her sister was not coming home. Deep down, I think she understood. The three of us are adjusting to the emptiness we feel without Bailey.
Here is a picture of Bocci and Bailey from 2007 - Bailey is on the left and Bocci on the right.
Fair warning, this is not going to be a pretty or a positive post. It's early morning and what used to be my favorite time of day is now ugly and dark. If you've ever had an incredibly unique and undefinable bond with a fur baby, you may understand the stage of grief I am experiencing right now. If you happen to not be an animal person or look at them as just that - animals - then you may want to skip over this entry.
We've thought about having human kids several times, but it's just never happened. I hope some day it does so I can feel the joy of a child's love. Even if we are so lucky, Bocci, Bailey, Basil and any other puppy that comes into our life will always be thought of as our children. Perhaps it is the way I was raised with my sweet black lab, Susie Q. I remember throwing her birthday parties with several old friends from Facebook. We all treated Susie like she was a little sister. Gosh I miss her.
In our house and in my mind - dogs are equal to humans. Perhaps it's the unconditional love we receive - the non-judgmental, 'I'm always gonna love you' outlook of a pup. I've talked with people who feel that it's not normal to love an animal that much - and that's ok - we are all entitled to our own opinions....I just feel sorry for them as they are missing out on one of the greatest things in life.
I don't know where I'm going with this - I guess I'm rambling. I miss everything about Bailey and have enough marbles left to realize the roller coaster of emotions is me dealing with the loss of my baby girl. One minute I'm ok - the next I'm super sad - then angry - then I'm in tears on the floor. I've started reading a book that will hopefully help.
Oddly, I feel a bit better than when I started this post...this blog really does help. Thanks to anyone who makes it through my crazy, rambling thoughts.
Ok - so I'm going to try and end on a positive note. Tomorrow we bring home sweet Basil - ha, I like that, 'Sweet Basil'. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and holding her tight. She, nor anything else, will ever replace my Bailey - it's just not possible. But, I'm going to love that little Basil and give her a wonderful life. I hope she is ready to be spoiled rotten.
Baileyism Bailey was never shy about hiding her emotions. If she was excited, you could hear it - if she was sad, you could see it...I guess she takes after me in that way. This video was taken last week - less than 3 days before she passed. She had some much life left to live - so much love left to give. I miss you Bailey.
The hours following Bailey's passing are a blur. Looking back, I realize I was in shock when we left the Emergency Clinic. Nothing seemed real - it's as if I did not believe she was gone and I was convinced I would see her again later in the day. I remember feeling fine and thinking about what we were going to do for the day. Would we go shopping or look at houses - my thoughts were that of a typical Saturday. In fact, I'm not really sure when it finally "hit" me that Bailey was gone.
Once we got home, I went into extreme focus mode and gathered a few items. I packed two candles, two pictures of Bailey and I (each with a few hairs from her tail), matches, slimy baby and water - then quickly left the house. My first stop was our new home site. I sat in the doorway of our family room where Bailey and I often hung out watching the sunset. I lit the candle and setup her photo - slimy baby was close. Perhaps that is where I first realized that she was gone as I remember being angry at God for taking her from me. My mom and I battle about those feelings - she says I should never be mad at God. I say, my feelings are my feelings and I can't control that line of thinking. I was, and still am, very, very angry. I perched our picture and the candle in a safe spot by the pool - looking out the direction we stared just a week prior.
My second stop was Las Sendas Mountain where Bailey and I used to hike. I went about 1/2 way up the mountain and found a private spot with a great view of the valley. This will be my special place to connect with Bailey. A place that I can bring her gifts, write to her and tell her stories. Our picture and candle are secure under a big overhanging rock - as if it was made to house Bailey's mementos. I went back to our spot on Sunday and spent a few hours. I find peace there and enjoy bringing her gifts. I hung a dream catcher by the rock...I used to wake Bailey when she was having nightmares and tell her it was ok - now the dream catcher will take over.
The emptiness I feel is immense - I still can't believe that my baby is gone.
Bailey - you've only been gone 75 hours and 25 minutes, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I want so much to hold you tight and see your beautiful smile. To My Bailey Girl: If I could have a lifetime wish, A dream that would come true I'd pray to God with all my heart For yesterday with you. A thousand words can't bring you back, I know because I've tried. Neither will a thousand tears I know because I've cried. You left behind my broken heart and happy memories too But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. Author - Unknown
Our special friend, Mareike, has this same poem dedicated to her beloved Sparky who passed two months ago. Please give Sparky a hug for me.
This is one of my favorite pictures of you....it was taken several months before you got sick....in typical Bailey style, you were craving attention and likely trying to talk me into taking you for a walk.
I hope you are safe and I hope you know how much you are loved. I feel bad that I'm not there to take care of you. I'd give anything to have you back with me. I miss you so much.
I took this picture from the new house on the night of Bailey's passing. It was such a beautiful day and this picture does not do the sunset justice. I hope she was able to see if from her resting place.
I'm not sure what I should be writing. A million thoughts are racing through my mind and I'm having a really tough time keeping it together. I hope writing here will help. I also wanted to say thank you for the outpouring of notes, phone calls and gestures. Each one helps take a bit of the sting away. Although I don't have the strength to respond to you right now, please know that I appreciate your words of support and encouragement. I'm not going to hide it, they are much needed - so don't give up on me. I knew this day would come and I knew that it would be amazingly hard, but the reality and the finality of it has brought me to my knees.
Bailey - I love you so much. I miss you so much. I know that mornings are going to be the hardest. Mornings were extra special to us. I'd wake and come to the family room to do some work...about 4 to 5 minutes would go by and you would realize I left the bedroom. You'd then do a sleepy prance down the hall - looking at me, wagging your tail and holding a big smile. I would say, "Good morning cutie, cute pea" or "Hi, sugar-pie plum" and you would come to me and put your head on my lap for some love and attention. You would then lay at my feet or jump up on the couch beside me. It was our time - no one in the house was awake....just you and me. I keep looking down the hallway for you to come, but you are not there. I miss our morning conversation. I'd tell you what we were going to do for the day and you would look at me with those big, brown beautiful eyes. I swear it was a two-way conversation.
I want you back - I need you back. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm mad, I'm confused - but most of all, I'm empty.
A note to friends and followers of Bailey's Blog: I want to apologize in advance as I'm certain many of my future posts will be rambling thoughts. This blog is an outlet for me - a place where I can go and be close to Bailey, remember her, talk to her, and carry on her existence. I will get back to the Baileyisms and the photos - there are so many more to share. I just don't have the strength right now.
Our sweet Bailey girl was laid to rest this morning at 5:15am. She put up a terrific fight the past three months and now she is peacefully waiting for us to join her.
I just can't believe that she is gone. She is my best friend, my SoulDog. I cherish the ten amazing years that she gave me and her presence will always be part of me.
Bailey has had two fabulous days! She seems super happy and although not to the level of two weeks ago, she has a decent amount of energy. We've enjoyed a few walks and hanging in the back yard with the cooler weather.
The one odd thing is her appetite. She has become very finicky where one day she loves her food and the next she is spitting it out.
For now, we are holding off on the oral chemo. I left a message for the oncologist today as she just returned from a Canine Cancer workshop. Perhaps she learned of something to help Bailey - could we be so lucky?? In the meantime, her meds include the Yunnan, K9 Immunity and tons of TLC from Joe and I.
Baileyism Once in awhile, Bailey makes weird smacking noises with her lips...and I love it. Joe pegged it perfectly - if anyone else made those sounds I would be crawling on the ceiling...but since it's Bailey, I find it cute. So true!
I found this video from a few weeks ago. Miss Bailey was having a fit because she wanted to go on a walk while Bocci was reminding me that breakfast was way overdue.
We took a drive to Wilcoxx (4 hrs south of Phoenix) yesterday to see Bailey's breeder and meet her sister, Twilight. Twilight is about 3 years younger than Bailey and shares the same mom. She had a litter of four puppies 4 weeks ago - 3 females and one male. The breeder is keeping the darkest female and since Joe and I are looking for a girl pup, we had two to choose from. What a challenge!! They were both so very cute and seemed to have similar personalities. The red collared puppy liked to snuggle and crawled on my lap twice for a nap. She also rested her head (just as Bailey does) on my arm. The black collared pup was fun to watch - especially when she did a tuck and roll down the hill. After nearly 2 hours, we decided to take the collars off and the breeder marked the inside ear (red on one - black on the other) to know who was who. We played a bit then set them side by side for a race to see who would come to us first. The pup with the black dot in her ear came running so she is now our little Basil. What an ordeal! I wanted them both, but Joe shot me down. :(
This comes to both of us as a very bitter sweet day. Our hearts are breaking for Bailey knowing that she has such limited time left. We would give anything to keep her with us and as much as others would be opposed, I would pay a boatload to have her cloned. No dog, no person, no one thing will ever be able to replace Bailey's place in my heart. I will certainly love Basil and any other animal that enters my life, but it will never be the same.
I have to admit, I've had a lot of guilt lately as I know Bocci is not getting much attention. The thing with Bocci, though, is she does not crave attention like Bailey. The most important thing to Bocci is food - and while we laugh and lovingly call her "slim" - it truly is all she thinks about. During the day, Bocci is outside or tucked in a corner and doesn't interact a ton...unless she hears someone in the kitchen. Bailey, on the other hand, is by my side 100% of the time. If I move to the laundry room to change a load...there she is...Perhaps that is why I love her so much - we are each other's favorite thing. :)
Baileyism While some will argue otherwise, I think dogs have a fantastic memory. Bailey knows the way to the house we are building, grandma's place, the park, etc. Whenever we get close to any of her favorite hangouts, she gets this incredibly high-pitched whimper. Cracks me up every time.
Here is a picture of Bailey and her new little sister, Basil.
Thank you for the outpouring of support over the past few days. Much needed and appreciated! I had a day trip to Colorado Springs for work yesterday so my wonderful sister came to the house to be with the girls. Thank you Sissy! While I'm sure they would have been fine, the peace of mind meant the world to me.
Overall, Bailey seems to be feeling good. She was prancing around the yard this morning and I can tell she wants to go for a w-a-l-k (note - I'm spelling out that 'word' as I read her every blog post and she'll go crazy if she thinks it's leash time). Thank God she has a good demeanor - It seems like I check her gum color and abdomen every 10 minutes.
I talked with the vet yesterday as I'm really torn about the oral chemo. We have not started it yet - and I'm not sure that we will. Oddly, Joe and I have uncharacteristic views about the treatment. He feels we should do the chemo and deep down, I feel we should toss it to the side. Neither of us is right nor wrong and we both have Bailey's best interest in mind. As a pro for the chemo, there is a chance that it could help stop/slow down the cancer growth. As a con, it may make her sick. Both sides could be debated back and forth and for now, we have decided to hold off doing anything until Sunday. Why Sunday? It will give Bailey a chance to recover from her bleed and get her GI tract back on track (no pun intended). Also, our Oncologist will be at a training seminar from Friday - Monday so not as available should we have any concerns with the chemo.
**Ok - just did a proof of the blog thus far and now I'm feeling like maybe we should start the chemo...ugh, this is no easy decision.**
Baileyism Bailey has always been a bit of a dare devil. Her first experience with presumed 'super doggie powers' came as a pup when I was teaching her to swim. I bought this life jacket which I think Bailey mistook for a flying cape as should would jump off the boulders into the pool. Somewhere in our moving boxes I have the video and will share at a later date. In the meantime, just visualize this crazy girl running and jumping off boulders 10x her size.
We've just returned from the vet where we received horrible news. The cancer has spread to Bailey's liver and she has at least two masses - the largest is about the size of a silver dollar. At least one of the masses is leaking as she has blood in her belly. My heart is breaking. I have feared this day for 2 and 1/2 months knowing that someday the cancer would rear it's ugly head. I am feeling so many emotions from complete sadness to anger to disbelief. She has been doing so good....I just don't understand. Last week she was sprinting out the door - Saturday she was leading the way on our hike. Now this.
I'm so distraught - we tried to do everything right. She loves life so much it's just not fair to take her away from this world- away from me. Just yesterday, I was laying in bed with her holding paws (it's one of our things) and I was telling her that I needed her to be here with me when the big 4-0 hits next April. I was telling her about all the fun things we would be doing between now and then from bringing home her new baby sister to the parents coming for a visit and the upcoming holidays. I also told her I needed her to be in the new house so I could "feel" her presence even when she was gone. What am I going to do. The thought of losing her brings me to the floor.
I was waiting to share this news at a later date, but now may be the time. We put down a deposit for another puppy about 6 weeks ago. One of Bailey's younger siblings (same mom and dad as Bailey - but younger litter) had puppies a few weeks ago. We are to pick out the puppy on Halloween and planned to take Bailey with us to help make the choice. We wanted Bailey to help raise the puppy and teach her all of the silly things - like showtime and prancy prance. We have a name all set - Basil - as the first syllable is similar to Bailey. This is tough. Now that we know Bailey's time is limited (we are praying for a month), I don't want to take one ounce of attention away from her. At the same time, I want Basil to pick up Bailey's habit of following me from room to room...and a million other things.
As for Bailey's treatment, we did not do chemo today. It's obvious the Dox is not working for her so now need to put her through the dosage. We have upped her intake of Yunnan (pill that stops bleeding) and will start her on oral chemo tomorrow. The oral chemo is from France and considered experimental for Bailey's type of cancer (it does well for mass cell tumors). It is supposed to be easy on the GI tract with minimal side effects. If she has bad side effects, we will stop all together, but feel it's important to give this one last try.
Here is a picture from the vet today with Joe and I holding Bailey's paws before the ultrasound. Please keep her in your prayers.
Baileyism Bailey is so gentle with other dogs. Regardless of the size, she will lay down flat on the ground and roll over to a submissive position. While this may be typical when meeting a big dog, it's comical to see Bailey do this when running into a chiwawa. I wish I would of had the video camera a few weeks ago when Bailey scooted for 5 feet (while laying flat on the floor) to say hi to a wiener dog. It is truly priceless. Here is a picture from Bailey and a new friend - note Bailey's typical position. One other funny thing, Bailey is submissive with other dogs, but not Bocci -no way. In this house, Bailey is the Alpba dog followed by Joe or I then Bocci.
Bailey has been doing fabulous until last night. Typically, she greets us at the door, runs to the bed, and performs showtime - but not last night. She would not eat dinner and hid behind the table. I immediately checked her gums and found them to be very pale - a common sign of an internal bleed. We checked her abdomen, but did not see any bloating (good sign) and her temp was normal. I gave her a Yunnan pill which is supposed to stop any bleeding.
The only other thing I can think of causing the odd behavior is arthritis pain. She had a busy weekend with the hike and a few trips to the new house. She also took a spill when jumping out of Joe's SUV. Arthritis pain comes to mind as she kept licking her upper arms (where they connect to the torso). While I could see pain affecting her appetite, it still does not explain the pale gums.
I may get an ultrasound done this morning, but have mixed emotions as I don't know that I can take bad news. She has been doing so good and this brings back all the worries of losing her. I can't imagine my live without Bailey. I pray this is just a fluke and that I'm overreacting. She ate a little breakfast and seems happier today - but is not at the vibrant level as the past few weeks.
I have mixed emotions about Bailey's chemo treatment tomorrow. The last round went very well, but it was on a lower dosage. I'm not sure if they will increase to normal settings tomorrow or keep with the smaller amount of Dox. I certainly want the drug to do its thing, but don't want Bailey to react like the first two rounds. Either way, we will definitely do the pre-treatment and start her on stomach meds right away. We took Bailey on a hike yesterday (see pic) - or wait - maybe it was the other way around. I'm a worrywart so we turned around after 1.5 miles....she wanted to keep going! I'll take her to the park this morning for a run in the grass.
Okay - this paragraph is for other doggies with hemangiosarcoma...friends may want to skip over. While Bailey's attitude and energy level are amazing, she still has diarrhea - no fun. It's been going on for almost a month - even with a full prescription of Metronizadol (sp). I'll ask the doc about it tomorrow and report back with any findings. She's been on the same diet for weeks with the Evo Low Fat/non-grain kibble. We also mix in about 1/4 can of the Evo wet food. Her pills are the same with 6 K9 Immunity, 4 Yunnan and 2 Probiotic. Once in a while we mix in cooked egg. I need to introduce other foods that promote blood growth (liver, etc.), but kept her diet consistent for a few weeks to see if the diarrhea would disappear. Since it's still present, I may as well add the other ingredients.
Baileyism Bailey likes to smell my eyes. I've never had another dog do that, and as far as I know, she does not do that to anyone else. Should I have a complex? Do I have stinky eyes?
Bailey girl is doing fabulous! She has five days left before her fourth treatment and to see her today, you would have no idea she was going through chemo. She was kind enough to take me on a walk this morning...I opened the door and out she ran with me trailing behind. Who needs a treadmill when you are tethered to a rambunctious Golden!
One thing is for sure, Bailey has far more energy than previous weeks. I'm starting to wonder if it's from the K9 Immunity pills as we have not changed anything else in her diet or routine. She started the supplement about 3 weeks ago and it's said to kick in around day fourteen. A few weeks ago, she would tire easy and was not her peppy self. Now, she is at the same energy level as a year ago - way before the cancer reared its ugly head.
Baileyism One of my favorites stories to tell is about the day that Bailey and I first met. She was part of a big litter and the breeder met me in CasaGrande - about 1/2 way for both of us. I had 6 female pups to pick from which was no easy task. Thank God the breeder was patient while I spent an hour playing with the puppies. I finally narrowed it down to 3 and placed ribbons around their necks to keep track of my favorites. I remember asking the man upstairs to help me pick the best...to give me some kind of a sign. All of a sudden, Bailey ran over to her 'first mom', latched on, flipped on her back, and started nursing. It was so comical to watch her as it seemed like such a sassy and spontaneous move. I've been a sucker for her ever since and these pics are from our first day.
I have to admit, this entry is a selfish one. It's purpose is to remind me to keep my chin up and remember all the warmth that Bailey brings to my life.
Make no mistake, Bailey is doing great. This third round a chemo was night and day from the previous two treatments and she soared through with flying colors. We will continue to march forward and face this ugly cancer head on.
What Matters Most As I sit outside and watch her sun herself, chomp at flies and flash cute smiles my direction, I'm reflecting back on our journey. It's been 2 months and 2 days since her emergency splenectomy. There is no doubt, that without Joe's quick thinking, Bailey would have crossed that rainbow bridge. So, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've been blessed with 62 more days than most people get who have a pet with a ruptured spleen. I've been able to hold Bailey, take her to her favorite park, feed her out of my hand, smell her fritos feet, enjoy showtimes, and many, many more things that are special between the two of us. I pray that I will have months and years left with her....that she will be one of the miracle pups that blows the estimated 6 month survival out of the water. But, if for whatever reason she is taken before I am ready, I'll be thankful for the gift of time and the second chance that Bailey and I were given. Baileyism I've always told Bailey that I wanted to "bottle her up" - to capture all of her quirky traits and store them for a rainy day. This picture is one for the bottle, it captures the special way she rests her head in my hand and looks at me with pure, unconditional love. It melts my heart every time.
I am happy to report that Bailey is doing so much better this time around. She had her third round of chemo on Monday and so far, the side effects have been minimal. YAHOO!!
Round three was given by our new vet, Dr. Hershey, who practices an integrative approach to cancer (chemo and a mix of supplements). Bailey was pretreated with Ondansetron (5mg given sub-q) just before receiving a lower dose of the chemo drug, Doxorubicin (24.8mg). Her prescribed meds changed from Cerenia to Ondansetron given twice a day along with Metronidasole to combat diarrhea (which was happening before the treatment). I've opted to give Bailey Pepcid AC 6 hours after each Ondansetron pill to help with potential tummy issues. I'm also walking her a bit and giving low carb treats throughout the day to keep food in her system. Granted, she is not 100% and certainly not as peppy as last week, but all things considered, I am relieved.
Baileyism Like most doggie parents, we have several nicknames for Bocci and Bailey. Bocci often goes by Slim, Pretty Princess and Big Girl. Bailey has a slew of pet names (no pun intended) such as Monster, Cute P, Wailey, Sassifrass, Puppy - and now, she has a new nickname created by her dad last night....Pee Pee. Yep, Pee Pee. While trying to encourage Bailey to eat dinner, Joe blurted out, "Come on Pee Pee." At the same time, Joe and I looked at each other and said, "Pee Pee???? Where did that come from?" I think he meant to say puppy, but it obviously came out wrong. Wish I would of had the video camera taping Joe as the look on his face was priceless. Here is a picture of Pee Pee waiting for her dad to come home from work...notice, slimy baby is her pillow.
Bailey has her third chemo treatment tomorrow and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. Round two was brutal and it took almost a week to shake the side effects. I'm hoping this time will be different as she'll receive a pretreatment of Zofran. We'll hold off on the acupuncture tomorrow and understand it is available post-chemo if needed.
All things considered, Bailey is doing great. I feel so fortunate to have this 2nd chance with her and plan my free time around doggie activities. A few things to note regarding Bailey's health: At some point (wish I would have written down the actual day), I noticed Bailey eating grass. She's also developed diarrhea on Friday. This has me a bit concerned as we've been careful about keeping her diet consistent. She's been eating the Evo Reduced Fat dog food for the past two weeks with a combination of turkey, eggs and broccoli. The supplements I talked about a few posts ago are added to each meal. The only thing that is fairly new is the K9 Immunity which was started on Tuesday. Diarrhea is not a common side effect of K9 Immunity so something else must be going on....just need to find out what that is! I also wanted to point out Bailey's energy level has decreased quite a bit. Lord knows she has been through a ton, but it's hard to see her tire so quickly.
Baileyism Bailey drinks incredibly loud. Actually, not only can I hear her from across the house, I can easily track her down with the trail of water she leaves behind. The funny thing is, Bocci is the total opposite and drinks like a tiny kitten. Cracks me up.
Here is a picture from our short hike the other day. I also came across this funny clip from a few weeks ago when Bailey was on a chicken/rice diet and Bocci was not eating due to her Pancreatitis.
I've had so much fun with Bailey this past week. She's back to her ol' self - stealing leashes, putting on shows and warming my heart. She even played mountain goat on the hill behind our house - there was nothing stopping her from reaching the top.
We received Bailey's K9 immunity pills and boy is that stuff pricey. We paid $155 for 180 capsules. She will get a total of 6 K9 pills per day plus 2 Probiotics and 4 Yunnan pills. She should be taking K9 Transfer Factor, but I forgot to order. Ugh. Thankfully - the pills are easy to hide in her food. I've become an expert at hiding pills in food over the past 6 weeks...so good, that when I went to take my vitamin the other day, I accidentally wrapped it in turkey....as if to hide it from myself. I need help which is no surprise to many. :)
Bocci is doing great as well. While we know she will never run up a hill, she has been trotting to the mailbox and back with me. It is such a relief to have our two girls feeling better. Thank you again for all the prayers and positive thoughts - it worked!!
Baileyism (more of a storyism this week) This past Friday, Bailey and I went to a feed store to get her high protein/grain-free food. While there, Bailey found a bin full of homemade treats - $2 each. Before I knew it, she devoured a peanut butter, paw-shaped treat. I tried to pay for Bailey's snack, but the clerk said not to worry. On the way out, Bailey ran past the bin a second time, grabbed several treats and darted out the door. She was on a mission - as if she knew we had to run before getting caught. I can't believe my golden and I pulled a 'dine and dash' move - especially since bystanders saw the crime in action. I wonder if there is a WANTED poster stapled to the door with a picture of Bailey and I???
A dear friend of mine is a photographer and took this picture of Bailey back in May. Such a great shot!
Bailey and I had an appointment with an integrative vet (Dr. Hershey) yesterday who specializes in both eastern and western medicine. Dr. Hershey confirmed our research that adding supplements to Bailey's diet will help her fight against cancer and minimize the side effects of chemo. Dr. Hershey laid out a meal program for Bailey which is a slow transition to a high protein/low carb/low fat diet. Here are the details:
Daily food Innova Eva High Protein/reduced fat diet - 2 cups daily (purchased from a feed store) Add lean protein such as chicken, turkey or fish Add foods that help build blood including liver, spinach, eggs and sardines (gross!) Add Garlic and Turmeric as antioxidants and for flavor
Supplements (to be purchased online) K9 Immunity - builds the immune system K9 Transfer Factor - builds the immune system Yunnan - to prevent internal bleeding Probiotics - Bailey was on this before so we are started up again More supplements will be added over time
As in life, there are no guarantees, but we feel good about our new integrated approach and find comfort knowing others have had great success. I just read another happy story in the Yahoo Group Forum where a dog named Henry is 1.5 years past his HSA diagnosis. He did the 5 rounds of chemo and is now on a maintenance program. I also like that we purchase the supplements over the Internet vs. directly from the vet.
We are considering moving our chemo treatments to Dr. Hershey. Currently, we pay AZ Veterinary Specialists about $550 per treatment. Dr. Hershey is a bit of a drive, but $100 less expensive and most importantly, can pretreat Bailey for side effects. Lord knows, it would also be great to have one less vet to juggle. :)
Baileyism Okay - I fully understand that we all think our kids (2 legged and 4 legged) are the cutest. Joe and I are no exception and get a bang out of Bailey's different "walks" - she is doing her hippity hop in this video taken last winter where she runs funny with her two front legs. She also has prancy prance and several others which I hope to get on video. Yes - I also recognize that our funny names are a bit out there....you think it's time we had kids???
