I went to Bailey's special spot on Las Sendas mountain today. The weather was perfect - just as Bailey would like. In typical style, the tears flow as I'm climbing to our spot, but once there...once I round the tree and see Bailey's picture under the big rock awning, a feeling of peace sets in.
Today, I wrote in my sacred journal - the one where I talk directly with Bailey and tell her everything that is on my mind. It helps - if only for a moment, to pretend that she is sitting there with me...looking over the rooftops and to the horizon. I wonder how she is doing? I still struggle with wrapping my arms around her locale. Is she here with me now - sitting on the bed as we did every night for 10 years or has she merely turned to ash and simply in a white box on my mantle? Speaking of that, I have not been able to order a special urn for Bailey - truth be known, I avoid most any conversation about her right now - it just hurts too much.
One story of inspiration...an old friend sent me a note (you know who you are - it's our secret) explaining that she never "got" the whole dog thing and how someone could love, or for that matter, be heartbroken to loose a pup. Long story short, she met a dog that opened her heart to the unconditional and unique bond between canines and their humans. She explained that she now understands how one could love a dog so deeply. Her email helped to brighten my gloomy day - thanks Blue!
Baileyism
Like most goldens, Bailey loved the outdoors and she managed to talk us into going to Payson for a hike this past June. The trip was long before we knew she was sick, so our time was spent worry-free as we watched Bailey swim in the creek and hike along the trail. I imagine her hike was twice as long as ours as every 5 minutes she would run up ahead then hurry back to make sure we were on our way. BTW - while on this hike, I got a bad gash on my knee (note to self - do not attempt to answer Blackberry emails while climbing over huge logs). I later posted a note on FB asking for input on how to keep from getting a scar as the last thing I wanted was another battle wound. Well, the scar is still on my knee and ironically, it is my favorite scar as it reminds me of happy times with Bailey. Here is a picture and quick video from our trip.
Loved the video! What a little water dog. So was Sparks! :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, you said something about not being able to talk at all about Bailey, and I have to say, you're moving right along schedule... I know that's no help, but I thought I'd let you know that I went through the same phase. It took weeks. Today, I still don't talk about what happened in the end, I don't say the "D"-word ... I just talk about the good stuff, if at all. So hang in there, my friend.
Ugh, I know how difficult it is, but just keep plugging along... Try to get your thoughts of 'how much' you have lost ... it has helped me not thinking about that too much ...
Again, I wish I had something that could give you immediate relief, but I don't ... Hugs, Bridget. Let's talk this weekend!