One Week Today

This past week has been the worst seven days of my life. I don't really know how to explain the heartache, the emptiness. Bailey was so much of my day - so much of my life.

Joe phoned Wednesday morning and said, "VCA called, Bailey is ready to come home." For several seconds I thought she was still alive - that I had been in a nightmare for several days and she was okay. Then reality set in and I broke down. I guess I wasn't prepared to hear that just yet. The thought that my baby is condensed to a box is agonizing. I couldn't bring myself to go with Joe to pick up her ashes so he went alone. I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. When Joe arrived home and set the box in my hands, I felt numb. I didn't know if I should be happy to be holding her or in pieces because the reality was right there on the box - "This holds the cremated remains of Bailey Werba. Date of Cremation: October 23, 2009."

I'd rather move on - I thought writing about it would help, but it doesn't this time. So "Tally-wacker"...that is my safe word. It's the word I use when starting a conversation with friends...it means I want to talk about everything, but Bailey. It means my heart is hurting and I can't say the words or talk about my girl. I'm not sure why I picked the word Tally-wacker, perhaps because it is one of those funny words to say like lollipop, freckle and wiener.

I need to Tally-wacker for the rest of this post. It's cold in AZ this week - good timing with Halloween around the corner...reminds me of fall back in the Midwest.