Our Special Place

The hours following Bailey's passing are a blur. Looking back, I realize I was in shock when we left the Emergency Clinic. Nothing seemed real - it's as if I did not believe she was gone and I was convinced I would see her again later in the day. I remember feeling fine and thinking about what we were going to do for the day. Would we go shopping or look at houses - my thoughts were that of a typical Saturday. In fact, I'm not really sure when it finally "hit" me that Bailey was gone.

Once we got home, I went into extreme focus mode and gathered a few items. I packed two candles, two pictures of Bailey and I (each with a few hairs from her tail), matches, slimy baby and water - then quickly left the house. My first stop was our new home site. I sat in the doorway of our family room where Bailey and I often hung out watching the sunset. I lit the candle and setup her photo - slimy baby was close. Perhaps that is where I first realized that she was gone as I remember being angry at God for taking her from me. My mom and I battle about those feelings - she says I should never be mad at God. I say, my feelings are my feelings and I can't control that line of thinking. I was, and still am, very, very angry. I perched our picture and the candle in a safe spot by the pool - looking out the direction we stared just a week prior.

My second stop was Las Sendas Mountain where Bailey and I used to hike. I went about 1/2 way up the mountain and found a private spot with a great view of the valley. This will be my special place to connect with Bailey. A place that I can bring her gifts, write to her and tell her stories. Our picture and candle are secure under a big overhanging rock - as if it was made to house Bailey's mementos. I went back to our spot on Sunday and spent a few hours. I find peace there and enjoy bringing her gifts. I hung a dream catcher by the rock...I used to wake Bailey when she was having nightmares and tell her it was ok - now the dream catcher will take over.

The emptiness I feel is immense - I still can't believe that my baby is gone.

A view from Bailey's spot: